photo by Sheri Dixon

Sunday, March 31, 2013

I Need a Better Pair of Sneakers

'Merica- I've got horrible news for you.

We're stranded. They've cut our feet out from under us and we're helpless. We've been cast adrift with no way to get to the grocery store, or work, or church, or school, or even the liquor store. Seriously, ya'll- we're in a World of Hurt.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I've been hearing a lot about places; poor, ignorant places- where guns have been banned. I mean, those people most of the time don't even KNOW how un-free they are. They walk around, day after day- immersed in things like universal health care and decent pay and fair employment practices and they don't even KNOW they're really just the walking dead- bodies without the Soul of Freedom sparking in their loins. Or something.

Below is a sampling of places where 'Merica does NOT want to be like on accounta they're really just shells of humanity. Really.

Canada. Yes, according to everyone who knows anything, our neighbors to the north are unarmed and helpless. Imagine the surprise of an actual Canadian after encountering that fact- he was utterly unaware of the ban on guns in Canada since he himself (and everyone he knows) have guns.

Great Britain If the graphic currently going around Facebook is to be believed (and why not? I mean, if it's not true, they certainly couldn't put it out there with an 'Merican flag on it, could they?) the British people are being absolutely MOWED down, helpless as little lambs. Except they're not, as the graphic used 2 sets of criteria to make the numbers work. Apparently statistics are statistics and can be compared across the board- numbers are numbers even if they have nothing to do with each other.

Australia Everyone knows that the Australians were the victims of a heinous government confiscation of their arms- yea verily the jack-booted thugs (probably union guys) broke down the doors of law-abiding Australians and forcibly wrenched their weapons from their trembling civilian hands. Awesome story- total bullshit. There was a a voluntary buy-back which was actually really popular. See that? The period at the end of the last sentence?

Russia Certainly no explanation is needed here. Especially since that one Russian dude penned that eloquent letter begging us not to become like Russia, where guns are totally outlawed.

Yes. Banned. All of the above countries- guns are BANNED. And we all know what that means, right?

Definition of BAN

transitive verb
archaic : curse
: to prohibit especially by legal means ; also : to prohibit the use, performance, or distribution of
: bar 3c
intransitive verb
archaic : to utter curses or maledictions
See ban defined for English-language learners »
See ban defined for kids »
Examples of BAN

The school banned that book for many years.
The city has banned smoking in all public buildings.
The drug was banned a decade ago.
The use of cell phones is banned in the restaurant.

So, see? All those poor countries above where firearms have been BANNED! The horror! The humanity! The...

Wait. What?

They CAN have firearms? Even in Russia?

Apparently so. (be sure to read the comments on this one- they're a scream)

Wait- I've got it-

NAZI GERMANY Everyone knows that "Hitler disarmed the citizens- just like Obama is doing. Therefore Hitler = Obama"

OK OK OK So we as 'Mericans don't really know what's going on in the rest of the world except through the interwebs and as seen on TV. How about closer to home, right here in the US of A- yea verily in the HeartLand of 'Merica-

CHICAGO Yes the Windy City where citizens are completely unarmed! Absolutely and completely helpless against the billions of criminals within the city limits who are having their way with the law-abiding citizens therein.


Chicago requires that all firearms be registered with the police department.[23] Gun owners are required to have a Chicago Firearm Permit.[24] The city has banned the possession of certain semi-automatic firearms that it defines as assault weapons, as well as magazines that can hold more than 12 rounds of ammunition.[25] Chicago residents must "immediately" report a firearm that is stolen or lost, and must report the transfer of a firearm at least 48 hours in advance.[26] Chicago also prohibits the sale of firearms within city limits.[27]

I know what's coming next.

"But lookit the limitations, the restrictions of those laws in those other countries and Chicago! They may as well be banned!!!"

Ah. There's the difference.

They're not banned. They're restricted.

Because they're, yanno...deadly weapons.

And don't gimme the, "You can do just as much harm with a baseball bat as a gun- should we ban THOSE?" bullshit.

Because shut up. You can't. Oh, sure you could beat ONE person into a bloody pulp with a baseball bat. It would take a while. You could NOT kill almost 30 people in a matter of minutes with a baseball bat, even if you were Chuck Norris. Or Ted Nugent.

But apparently the word "banned" here in 'Merica now means "there are restrictions on the ownership of..."

Which brings us back to my first paragraph.

Here in 'Merica, we have cars. A shitload of cars. Everyone has a car, some people have several. In order to have and operate our car(s) we must

-register said car
-obtain a driver's licence
-prove that our car is in good working condition via an annual inspection

We must also

-follow the speed limits and laws of the road

We may NOT

-drive a non-street-legal vehicle on the road. So even if a race car driver LOVES his race car and knows how to drive it safely, he may NOT take his car in amongst the other commuters on the freeway. He can't. Just like a farmer cannot drive his combine on the interstate either.

So we have limitations. Restrictions. On what we can drive and where we may drive and how we may drive.



...I need to make a Facebook graphic...

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