In the Blink of An Eye

'Round about the time I turned 40, I realized that I really am on the downhill slide from birth to death.

I wasn't really too bothered then- women in our family live ridiculously long lives, so I figured at 40 I wasn't even to the halfway point. But still.

Even now, more than a decade later I hardly ever think about it.

But sometimes...

Sometimes I wake up in the morning with an acute sense of urgency. Even after I pee.

I look at the clock and think, "It's 7am. I have 16 hours in which to do everything I need to accomplish this day, because it'll never be back. Once I close my eyes tonight today will be gone forever".

I think about that a lot. Not always or obsessively, but often and sporadically.

This day, this time, this moment? When I blink my eyes it'll be lost.

And I'll never get it back. Ever.

I feel keenly and to the point of physical pain that my days and hours are numbered.

And the clock never stops.

I've had to learn the difference between 'busyness' and 'progress', between 'bullshit' and 'important'.

Watching most anything on TV is 'busyness'. Most reading is 'progress'.

Time spent criticizing my family and friends and employees is 'bullshit'. Time spent appreciating them and loving them is 'important'.

Shopping is 'busyness'. Trips to any museum are 'progress'.

Impatience is 'bullshit'. Compassion is 'important'.

Even though I've learned the differences, it still takes concentration and dedication to practice what I've learned.

Every single day.

We've all heard "Don't go to bed angry" and "Tell people you love them because you might not get another chance".

One of my favorites is "No one ever said on their deathbed 'I wish I had spent more time at work'".

I'm busy.

Terminally, sometimes exhaustingly busy.

I think I've weeded out most of the useless busyness and bullshit already, but it still seems that there's never enough time, never enough of me to go around where I'm needed and more importantly where I'm wanted.

I'm surrounded by the most amazing people- people I love, people I live with, people I work with.

Around me is the most breathtaking beauty from the smallest wildflower to the most lavish sunset.

My days here are numbered.

I can feel the seconds counting down with every beat of my heart.

Not all the time.

It's like being aware of your tongue.

Once you think of it, you can't stop feeling it right there and you curse the person who mentioned it (you're welcome).

But you stop thinking about it without even thinking about stopping thinking about it.

And life goes on.

Your tongue retreats back into its life of quiet anonymity.

The days pass one after the other- sun rise sun set sun rise sun set like it'll never end.

Because it won't end.

Only we will.

In the blink of an eye.