photo by Sheri Dixon

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Well, This is Awkward

So this came across my path yesterday with a notation that it just might be me. And I chuckled. But then I realized that it all fits except the 'awkward' part.

Oh, I still DO awkward shit- I haven't reached some magical age where I'm suddenly all grace and serenity because there's no danger of THAT happening EVER.

But here's the thing.

I just don't care anymore.

I'm extremely difficult to embarrass, and that's totally OK. The people WITH me may be embarrassed by the things I do and say sometimes, but yanno---so not my problem.

It's a new year and I'm going into it with realistic expectations about myself and what I will and won't do with it.

I need to lose about 20 pounds. I know I do because I'm not fit anymore. If I could carry this extree baggage on my ass and gut and still get around and not be completely stiff and stove up all the time that'd be different but I can't. I hate like hell when I scootch behind something and my ass bumps into a wall or piece of furniture and BY GAWD I KNOW I USED TO FIT IN THERE. So my resolution is to eat less. Yep. Pretty rad, I know. 99% of the time when I'm eating I'll get about halfway thru with something and think, "I'm not hungry anymore" but there's SOME LEFT so I eat it. I'ma stop doing that. I know I'll be throwing away some food and that's a Mom Sin of the highest order but it'll STILL be cheaper than any 'diet plan' I could go on. So there's that.

I need to drink more water. This is a tough one because it'll also make me pee more and I already pee way too much and with increasing lack of control. TMI? Probably. Remember tho---I no longer give a shit :) If I drink more water, I'll be less stiff because it's freaking WATER and will help lube up my old joints. I hate feeling like Edna at 90+ moved with less trouble than I do at 56.

So those are my two big resolutions. Eat less. Drink more water.

Will they give me the perfect body of a 30 year old? Nope. I'm not 30 years old anymore and wouldn't be 30 years old again for anything. I really WAS awkward in my 30's . I cared about everything- was I a good enough wife? Lover? Mother? Employee?

I'm good enough. I've gotten up every morning for over 50 years and done the best I knew how to do with the knowledge and resources I had. Every damn day. I'm good enough.

This body has grown 3 human beings inside of it successfully and has the road wear to prove it. It also carts around my brain and has done so for over half a century. That's a powerful burden right there.

My goal is not to be perfect, or even 'attractive'. My goal is to tweak and maintain this corpse so it'll carry my brain around for another four decades or so with moderate grace and acceptable presence.

My goal is to be here for my family, my friends, and all those people who depend on me and who even like me some of the time.

It's a worthy and attainable goal.

Oh, and no worries. Even if I'm not awkward, I'll still be foul-mouthed and sarcastic. And delightful. Always, always delightful...