photo by Sheri Dixon

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The World May Be Flat, But My Breasts Are Spectacular

I thought to myself "I really need to do some back to back posting to get even close to the 3 times a week average I want to have here, but what the heck do I write about?"

Out of the blue, a Gift from the Universe- something Alec and I watched together, pausing it every few minutes to laugh, cry, pound our heads on the wall or just utter some cuss words in exasperation.

It's pretty long (15 minutes) but if you can stomach the first 5 of them, you've pretty much seen the whole show...sadly. The "spoof" afterwards is worth it, for several reasons, one being that they have ONE woman who says something that's even remotely sensible.

(Waiting for everyone's ears to stop bleeding...)

I think it's safe to say I'm fixin' to ruffle a few feathers in the next few paragraphs...

I went to school- public school- between the years of 1965 and 1977- not the computer age but not exactly the stone age either. We learned reading, writing, rithmatic, history and science. We learned to read and write English, do basic math, learn American and world history and how the world works- including how the world and all its inhabitants got here.

We learned evolution.

Most of us went to church too- all sorts of churches- and we all learned faith based creation stories (along with stories about global floods and giant man-eating fishes). We were never, ever, ever told in church that evolution was false.


I also remember when the Miss America pageant made an attempt at "proving" it wasn't just Princess Dress Up for fluffy-headed morons and they stressed the academic achievements of the contestants- who were expected to have critical thinking skills, a mastery and ease of speaking in public and...spines.

The contestants gave interviews where they shared which college they'd been accepted to, what they were going to major in, and that pageants were a tool for them- the opportunity to do community service and the scholarship money were the real appeal for them. It all sounded like the girly counterpart to the boys joining the military for 4 years to attend college on the GI Bill- a means to an end they otherwise couldn't afford.

What the hell happened?

Most of the time we were watching all 50 of the contestants Alec was turning it off and backing it up because his mother was screaming at the monitor "YES. THE ANSWER IS YES. BECAUSE IT'S SCIENCE AND IT'S FACT AND IT'S TRUE. IT'S NOT A THEORY, IT'S NOT CULTURAL, IT'S NOT 'ONE OPTION', IT'S HOW THE WORLD HAPPENED YOU STUPID COW" and he was missing the actual answers.

The "spoof" video was an excellent analogy.

(Sarcastic mother pretending to be a beauty contestant)-

"Well, children really need to be told about math, but since math is only theory they need to be able to decide for themselves if it's real or not. I mean (holding up 2 fingers on one hand and 2 fingers on the other hand for visual effect) this COULD mean 2 + 2 = 4, BUT"

(Alec interjects)-

"It could ALSO mean 2 two's, which is 22".

(back to mom)-

"OR (moving the hands together) lookie here- it's a DOUBLE U! See- three whole different theories, one that isn't even a number!"

I know. I get it. The bible as believed by devout fundamental Christians is the Word of God and I can respect that IF there are no picksies/choosies.

That's what I hear from my Christian friends "You just can't pick out the parts you want to believe, you know- the whole thing is the Word of God and must be the letter".


Guess ya'll better step away from those pork ribs and fried shrimp.

The quick answer is always "Well, those food laws were written before modern sanitary procedures, so they don't count- that's historical law- gimme my plate back, Missy- before I stab you with my spork".

Another is

"If it's not in the Good Book, I don't believe it or need it in my life".

May I have your computer, then? Alec dropped his and it's all squidgy. Guess you'll also be turning in your cell phone, eyeglasses, SUV and central air conditioning unit.

Chuckle and patient explanation as to a tiny child-"Those things hadn't been invented yet, so of COURSE they're not in the bible. The people who wrote the bible all those years ago had no idea of the strides we'd make in science and technology."

(Pause for effect)

Here's what I think. I think Genesis was written many years ago by men who knew they needed to start at The Beginning but who (because they were ancient people living in primitive times) had no freaking idea how it all came to be. They cobbled together what made sense to them at the time and called it History.

They weren't trying to pull wool over anyone's eyes (yep- shepherd pun, sue me), they weren't evil men. They did the best they could with the knowledge they had. The entire, repeat ENTIRE Old Testament is book after book of a buncha scholarly dudes trying to make sense out of the world as they saw it, trying to mark down a timeline that would give their people dignity and a solid faith, page after page of "begats" and a fistful of rules so the people wouldn't die of infected penises and salmonella induced dysentery.

Why is it so easy for people to justify setting aside dietary requirements so they can eat those tasty shellfish and cloven hooved critters since SCIENCE has proven that if properly cooked they won't in fact, kill us but so difficult to set aside the Creation story for what it is now that SCIENCE has shown us how it really happened- as much of a fable as Atlas holding the world on his shoulders or the giant turtle balancing our blue and green planet on her shell- our ancestors doing their level and sincere best to explain the unexplainable.

But we know better now.

And it scares the living hell out of me that we're being pulled so far and so quickly backwards- from our politicians to our school boards to our religious "leaders"- out of those 50 young women who were asked "Do you think evolution should be taught in school?" several I guarantee are gay, ALL will need reproductive services they may not be able to afford, none- not a one of them will be paid equally for equal work compared to men in their field.

Every one of them knows all the above, or would if they pulled their heads out of the cloud of hair spray and looked around at their schools, their towns, their mothers.

And yet not a one of them had the balls to look directly at the interviewer and say "I find that question offensive- of course evolution should be taught in school- it's hard science and it's the truth. To do anything else is a dis-service to our children and our country".

THAT would've been an answer worthy of the obligatory "flash the teeth, sparkle the eyes, smile to show you've answered sincerely".


  1. Have I mentioned how much I love you!

  2. Stop it...math is not real! and you can't make me believe anything different. Now excuse me, I have to get back to reading MY version of the bible. ;)