Q: How can *women* tell daughters "It's just how boys/men are"?
A: It's not approval of the culture. It's a warning not to cross it or you'll get hurt worse or killed.
*They are protecting them, based on their own experiences. And their mothers' and grandmothers'...growing up and living in a world of fucking monsters.
This whole Brett Kavanaugh thing is disgusting. Watching a grown-ass man during his *job interview* totally lose his cool, start ranting, blaming a political party *specifically* when the job he's interviewing for is supposed to be non-partisan, whine, turn all sorts of red, spew his "credentials", and ultimately cry was disgusting.
Dr. Ford before him sat resolute, yet with tremors in her voice. She admitted she was scared to death. She didn't call him or his friend names or otherwise denigrate them. She was clear and concise and sincere. She spoke from her heart and unless you are a fucking monster, your heart broke listening to her.
Kavanaugh did not even take ten seconds to acknowledge her pain before launching into how much he *deserves* this job and dammit, some chick he doesn't even remember is not going to take it from him. He blamed the Democratic party and the Clintons specifically for this "smear campaign" and actually threatened revenge for this embarrassing inconvenience.
Then Lindsey Graham piled on in an unhinged and childish tantrum; red-faced and yelling in what is supposed to be a serious step in the search for a new Supreme Court Justice.
If you think either of these men were in any way reasonable or justified in their horrid and totally unprofessional behavior, you are a fucking monster.
In case there is any question, I believe Dr. Ford.
In case there is any question, I think Brett Kavanaugh is a whiny, entitled, rich boy who has been called on his shit and he's melting down about it like a toddler whose ice cream just fell to the ground. This is not Supreme Court Material and anyone who thinks it is...is a fucking monster.
"But what if she's lying? Shouldn't he be able to defend himself? What precedent is this setting for the future? So a woman just has to accuse, and a guy just has to take it?"
Even if she's lying (she's not), his reaction and the reaction of the entire GOP Good Ol' Boys' Club was not only inappropriate, it was basically screaming "GUILTY AS HELL" and anyone who has ever raised kids knows this.
Even if he's as thick as a brick mentally (and I guess he is), his response and the response of every GOP senator in there should have been, "We are profoundly sorry you were so traumatized. We believe you have mis-remembered the players here, but we will do everything we can to make sure the culture that allowed that sort of behavior becomes dusty history on our watch."
But they didn't. They heard her testimony and they were fucking monsters.
On national TV.
In front of their daughters and grand-daughters, wives and mothers, co-workers and constituents.
In front of God and everybody.
And they felt they were justified to do so. That's not leadership or maturity.
Of course, Donald "Pussy Grabber in Chief" Trump piped up, too; valiantly defending the honor of...Kavanaugh, and questioning the testimony of Dr. Ford. But we already know *he* is a fucking monster.
This little fiasco has neatly divided our nation even more than it already was.
Team A: Good Ol' Boys who are all abluster about how this has "ruined a great guy" and who are horrified that maybe they, too, will be called on their shit.
Team B: Men who think Kavanaugh is an asshole.
Team C: Women who are now "afraid" for their sons because "some girl" could ruin his lily-white reputation "for no good reason".
Team D: Women who think Kavanaugh is an asshole.
Team E: Women who have been assaulted sometime in their life and the last few days have brought it all back to the surface; jagged and raw. We're the ones who are horrified at Teams A and C and have spent the last 24 hours or so with migraines, nausea, and nightmares.
Also, we think Kavanaugh is an asshole.
"Why would anyone wait so long to tell anyone?"
-You were young and stupid and yes, you got drunk and alone with a boy when you knew better. Here's the thing you don't realize till you are older: No matter how drunk or hormonal you and/or he was, the very second you got scared and said, "Wait. Stop" HE SHOULD HAVE STOPPED. THE FACT THAT HE DIDN'T MAKES HIM A FUCKING MONSTER.
But what do you hear if you tell someone? "What were you wearing?" "Why were you drinking?" "Why did you go with him by yourself?" "He was drinking and got carried away" "Boys have raging hormones" "You led him on"
*You hear that it's your fault. It was your fault he was a fucking monster and you got what you deserved.
-He held some sort of power over you or was an authority figure- a boss or teacher or pastor or relative or even your husband. He may or may not have said, "If you tell anyone, I will kill you", "If you tell anyone I will fire you", "If you tell anyone, no one will believe you". If he threatened any of those things, and even if he didn't, HE WAS A FUCKING MONSTER.
But what do you hear if you tell someone? "Why didn't you just quit?" "Why didn't you report him?" "What were you wearing?" "You must've led him on" "You need to obey your husband" "It's impossible to be raped by your husband" "He's such a great guy; surely you're mistaken about what happened" "How can you say he did that? He's your (fill in the blank with any male relative)"
*You hear that it's your fault. It was your fault he was a fucking monster and you got what you deserved.
But here's the thing. By the time humans are about three years old, we know that to hurt another human is wrong. To willfully hurt another human who is begging you to stop is to be a fucking monster. That's true 100% of the time.
Perhaps the most vexing to those of us in teams B, D, or E are the women who seem to *not* believe their daughters and who say "What were you wearing?" "Why were you drinking?" "Why did you go with him by yourself?" "He was drinking and got carried away" "Boys have raging hormones" "You led him on" and most importantly..."Boys will be boys and that's just how men are".
Boys will be boys and that's just how men are.
You know what that is at its core? That's a woman who has been assaulted at some point telling her daughter not to make waves; you can't fight this. It's not that she doesn't believe her. She believes her 100%. But either she told someone when it happened to her and she wasn't believed, or she's never told anyone and is just resigned to the barbarism of this aspect of our culture.
"Leave it be. Don't make waves. Be more careful from now on. Be happy you are still alive. If you make waves, not only will it be awful all over again, but he may hurt you again. Worse. He may kill you this time."
One out of three American women will be sexually assaulted at some point in their lives.
On the one hand, 85% of women know their attacker- the "strange man climbing through the window or attacking while the woman is jogging" is not the norm by a long shot.
On the other hand, only 10% of men brought up on rape charges are convicted, meaning 9 times out of 10, if you come forward and go through the additional agony and stress of legal action, your attacker walks free...and now he's pissed at you, bringing us to...
...75% of women who are murdered, are murdered by a sexual partner.
"Why would anyone wait so long to tell someone?"
I dunno, perhaps the *fact* that you probably know him, and may even have to continue to see him in your day to day life, added to the *fact* that there's a 9 out of 10 chance that he will *not* be convicted, topped off with the *fact* that if he gets really pissed off, he may very well kill you for embarrassing him and "ruining his life", may be enough effective cultural deterrents to maintain the misogynistic status quo.
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