Not Again...

...yes. Once more.

We had a wonderful time in Missouri with our Family. Our Homestead.org family, or at least a small part of it. We'd met about half the folks there, but the other half were long-lost-but-now-found cousins. The ones you like to claim.

We had representatives from Missouri, Wisconsin, New York, and Texas.

Food? Good Gawd Almighty we had food. From Friday night till yesterday morning if we were awake, we were eating.

Roast pig, venison, squirrel chili, salsas, relishes, preserves, beans, rice, salad, herbed foccaccia bread, biscuits, cookies, cheesecake, brownies, I know I'm forgetting something wonderful if I forget anything, because everything there was scrumptious.

We left Friday at 9:30am and got to Neil's at 7:30pm. Who knew Arkansas was so dang tall? Alec asked "Are we STILL in Arkansas?" and I pointed out that we just had a little of Texas to go through, and a little of Missouri, but ALL of Arkansas- Arkansas being the only thing substantial between our house and Neil's. He thought on this a minute and then said

"Well, then they need to move Arkansas".

Driving through storm after storm last night, I thought that was a pretty good idea.

We got in about 11:30pm, and since today is going to be crazy-busy, I went ahead and transferred, edited, slide-showed and posted all the photos (that I'm not saving for blackmail later). I got to bed about 3:30. This morning.

I got up about 8ish and took a good look at our place- we really had a remarkable storm or two while we were gone- leaves cover the ground, limbs are down, our poor banana tree's leaves are tatters, and you know the wind's been blowing powerful strong when it blows squirrels out of the tree and dashes them to their death.

So ya, once again, I'm cheating on writing actual thoughts for my blogpost and instead sharing the fruits of my late-night, post-driving, over-tired labors.

http://s97.photobucket.com/albums/l201/lunamother3/homestead%20preunion%202010/?action=view¤t=16e5d94e.pbw

In Lieu of a Post...

...a recipe.

We're going to be spending the weekend with friends we consider family- some we've met in person, and some we've only 'met' via the interwebs till now.

So I've been getting everything ready for us to be gone and make everything as easy as possible for the farm-sitter, spent time at work being sure they'll be able to function smoothly over the weekend (which they always do anyway, but yanno, it's a Boss Thing...), and planning

The Food.

The Food is paramount at these shindigs. There will be a pit pig and all sorts of homegrown goodies coming from the east coast to Wisconsin, from Texas to Missouri and all points between.

We'll be bringing free-range eggs for breakfast Sunday morning, venison I'll slice thin and saute with mushrooms, onions and garlic for dinner Saturday night (along with the pig),

and for dessert (and snacking)

Mama Dixon's Triple Fudge Kickass Brownies

for a 13 X 9 pan

preheat oven to 350

in a saucepan, melt 2 1/2 sticks of butter (real butter)
add 3/4 cups cocoa
2 cups sugar
1 tsp vanilla
4 eggs, beaten
1 cup flour
1 bag milk chocolate chips

pour into buttered pan and bake for about 30 minutes

let cool

make frosting-

melt 1 stick butter
add 2/3 cups cocoa
1 tsp vanilla
3 cups powdered sugar
1/3 cup milk
beat till smooth and frost brownies

There ya go. Instead of sitting here reading blog posts this weekend while your family pops in and out of your peripheral vision asking when food will appear for them to eat, go put on yer June Cleaver apron (and pearls) and whip up a pan of these.

I guarantee they'll love you for it.

(and give 'em about half an hour- they'll all fall into sugar comas and you can spend however long you want reading blog posts in peace...)

I Want You To Know

I want you to know
You're not alone
No matter what you feel
What you fear
What you think
You're not the first
Or the only
To feel, fear and think
Exactly the same way

I want you to know
You're not a freak
Unless you consider
That everyone is

Normalcy is a fallacy
Concocted for comfort
A paper-thin veneer of smugness
That every
Single
Freakish
Human
Quakes behind

I want you to know
That while things can certainly get worse
Than they are right now
They can just as easily get better
Than they are right now

I want you to remember
You'll only know how the story ends
When you turn every page
Don't quit in the middle
Read every single word
Even the scary parts
Even the sad parts
Even the lonely parts
Because those parts make
"And they all lived Happily Ever After"
That much sweeter

I want you to know
That for every
Rat bastard weasel
Who thinks they're big
And strong
And clever
When they make you feel small
And weak
And stupid
There are a hundred people
Who will love you
Just the way you are

I want so desperately for you to know
That no matter what
No matter WHAT happens
Ever
Nothing is worth
Closing the book on your life
Nothing personal
Nothing monetary

Nothing

I want you to know it deep in your soul
Believe it with all your heart
Breathe it through your body
Live it every day of your life

Live
Every day of your life

I want you to know
Even when it seems the only control you have
Over your life
Is when it ends
And how it ends
That that's never the answer
The cure
The relief
That you're seeking
It would just be The End

In the middle of the story

I want you to know that
The other characters in the book of your life
Would never
Ever
Recover from that

I want you to know
And hold close to your heart
Even in the darkest moment
That you are worthwhile
You are valuable
You are loved

***For my children, my friends, my family. I love you all, and just wanted you to know.

Dedicated to Larry- who missed one of the most gloriously warm and sunny days ever to grace this planet- because he shot himself in the head the day before.

What Makes a Marriage, and a Family?

Seems like a pretty easy question, doesn't it?

All the story books we read growing up had mommy bear, daddy bear and a little bear or three. All the television shows had a mommy actress, a daddy actor and little weird future messed up baby actors and actresses.

But life, real life in this time in history, is generally not quite so neat.

I myself have 3 marriages under my belt- one lasting 14 years, one lasting 2 years, and this LAST one (I promise) lasting 15 years so far. There are 2 offspring from the first marriage and one from this one.

My husband was married once before, no kids.

I've discussed the merits of choosing family over that sketchy potluck we're sometimes dealt, and writing that diatribe (hey- we were in Houston and under stress and duress- Mommy's version of Going Postal is to actually Go Post about shit).

And I had a hell of a time thinking of any "normal" families that we know and hang around with. Those "one man/one woman/2.something children from that one particular mixing of genetic material" families.

We know Blended Families- those where mom and dad both have kids from previous marriages- kinda like the Bradys, but no one we know has an Alice.

We know Large Families- with more than three children (heaven help 'em).

We know Multi-Generational Families- people raising their own kids AND their grandkid(s) and/or simultaneously caring for aging parents.

We know Bi-Racial Families.

We know Single Parent Families.

We know Childless Couples.

We know Same Gender Couples and Families.

And people and society generally support and don't have issues with all but the last group. Those are the ones who can't get the validation of their commitment to each other with a marriage certificate and that's ridiculous.

"But Wait- The definition of marriage is one man/one woman and the institution of marriage is to offer security for the raising of children. Gay people can't have children "the Normal Way" so gay people cant' be married."

Ah.

So, old people in nursing homes can't get married since they are beyond childbearing age?

Paraplegic, quadriplegic, any other handicapped person whose "parts" don't work can't get married?

What about ME? I've had to have all my "parts" surgically removed- can't have kids anymore- shall Ward and I get divorced because our marriage isn't valid?

See? Ridiculous.

A family is any unit of people who love each other, who care about each other more than themselves and who will be there for each other no matter what.

To say that marriage is a sacred bond between one man/one woman clearly ignores the fact that there are huge numbers of one man/one woman marriages that are miserable, awful and downright deadly dangerous for the participants.

To fully respect the sanctity of marriage is to denounce any marriage that fosters resentment, neglect or abuse- no matter the gender of those involved, and to embrace the spiritual (and physical) union of people who are truly committed to love and encourage each other- no matter the gender of those involved.

Heterosexual marriages that are recognized by church and state and are violent, undermining or otherwise horrifyingly dysfunctional are everywhere- in every neighborhood, community, church. Those unions are NOT glorifying God, Country or the Precious Institution of Marital Bliss.

If our gay friends who love each other with kindness and respect are allowed the validation of a marriage certificate, that not only doesn't cheapen the value of my own heterosexual marriage- it makes the concept of marriage that much more meaningful and crystallizes what it really (should) mean.

Think. Reflect. Watch. Buy the T-shirt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEpQ8fFQ7Rk

Lists

My world, like most peoples', is filled with lists.

Grocery lists, shopping lists, errand lists, chore lists.

Lists on the telephone, the computer, typed neatly and posted on the wall or scratched onto the back of a junk mail envelope using a pen that's out of ink.

There's a running list on the Notepad feature of my phone- stuff we need at the store...next time we're there.

I travel at all times with 2 bags plus my purse- my work bag and the "house building stuff" bag.

The work bag is a misnomer since it's got the stuff (and lists) for the taekwondo club Alec belongs to in one section- I'm the treasurer of the club.
It's got our bills to be paid and calls to be made (in list form) in another section.
And there is work stuff in there too- schedules, calls, orders, lists.

The house bag has all the details of our building project- contracts, blueprints, receipts, business cards and phone numbers. And many. Many. Lists.

On one of my lists is the directive to "clean out all drawers and surfaces". This is daunting because we're packrats, every one of us. But I need to clean those areas in order to get to the furniture we want to move, and this whole Moving Thing is an exercise in cleaning out the old, shaking off the cobwebs from our previous life, starting anew and all that drivel.

Here's the thing.

I'm finding, tucked into drawers and cupboards and files...alot of old lists.

And that slows me down, because they must be read, remembered, validated before either being tossed out or saved.

I'm not talking about old grocery lists, those are easy to discard- I'm talking about

the many many lists and plans and letters and drawings that led up to the reality of the house we're now building (these get saved).

Christmas wish lists painstakingly written out in ever-more-legible handwriting by our son- and I wonder, now that he knows "about Santa" will there be a wish list this year? I remembered the conversation that led up to the very large next step of being grown-up-

"Mom- is Santa real?"
"Well, son, what do you think?"
"I don't know- that's why I'm asking you."
"Son, Santa is the spirit of giving. In that respect he's very real, and always will be."
"Soooo...he's you."
"Yes, dear."
"But mom?"
"Yes, dear?"
"I always put the really expensive stuff on Santa's list because I knew you couldn't afford them".
"Yes dear."
"Mom? I always got those expensive presents".
"I know dear."
*Pause*
"So you're Santa."
"Fraid so."
"All this time you've been Santa."
"Yep."
*Pause"
"Mom?"
"Yes dear?"
(whispered) "Does dad know?"
(whispered) "No dear- lets not tell him- he's had a rough couple of years..."

the Christmas lists ALWAYS get saved.

There are worn, stained mapquested route pages from every epic journey we've taken ("Family Vacation" just doesn't cover the scope of how we travel...). Those got saved.

So I was actually enjoying my little jaunt down List Memory Lane.

Until.

Going through a pile of stuff we brought back from the last trip to MDAnderson I found The List.

It's dated April 29, 2010, about a week before Ward's discharge and from the Social Worker at MDA. See, he'd reached a point where he didn't NEED to be in the hospital anymore- but physically he couldn't walk more than a few steps and mentally he was still really really fuzzy. Really. He was weak and fuzzy from drug reactions and weeks of intensive care and two major surgeries and heart failure and pneumonia and he was just plain wore out.

And they told me that they were stumped that he was not improving from the point he was at- and they hinted and inferred that where he was might be all the better he got- physically wheelchair bound and mid-Alzheimer's mentally.

There was concern that I wouldn't be able to take care of my husband, wouldn't be able to handle his handicaps in our home. It was strongly suggested that he not come home, at least for a few weeks. Or months. Or however long it took for him to be more "mentally reliable" and for him to get stronger.

And they handed me The List.

"Nursing Homes and Rehabilitation Facilities in the Greater Houston Area".

But I couldn't, wouldn't do it.

I just couldn't merge together the repeated assurances that the more people he knew that were around him the quicker he'd recover and remember with putting him in a COMPLETELY different environment he'd never been in before filled with all new people he'd never seen before.

He's my husband. No one knows him, loves him and cares about him more than I do, and I was determined to bring him home.

Because I work flexible hours, and because Joe was here to assist physically if needed and to be watchful when I had to be at work- leaving Ward never alone at home- we were approved to come home. All of us. Together.

Five months later, Ward's pretty much back to his brilliant, funny, beloved old self mentally, his weight is coming up nicely from the over 40 pounds underweight he left the hospital carrying, and thanks to physical therapy he's gaining strength steadily.

I looked at The List, transfixed, paralyzed, instantly awash with the emotions the first reading of that self-same list filled me with- sadness, worry, fear.

Bleakness.

I showed The List to Ward- so much of that time was filled with stuff he can't remember, stuff he remembers but never happened, strangeness, I showed it to him so he'd know I wasn't exaggerating when I told him it was recommended that I put him in a nursing home.

Then I firmly and deliberately folded The List in half, and tucked it into The Trash.

Humbled by Mother Nature

When I grow up I wanna be just like my Mom.

Oh, not THAT mom- although her life works for HER, I just can't see myself being the church secretary of Resurrection Lutheran in the frigid northlands of Wisconsin and enjoying (much less teaching) quilting. Sokay though- I think she's perfectly happy NOT being a goat-milkin' ol' treehuggin' hippiechick in the backwoods of East Texas.

I mean the Mom of all of us- Mother Nature.

Powerful, beautiful, capable of moving mountains, yet mostly moving with steady, quiet unassuming assurance.

Not so long ago, our land was violated by the electric company. One quarter of our land that's protected wildlife habitat was not just mowed but scraped bare, and delicate wetland spongy with life weighed down, rutted and compressed by large equipment. A recap-

http://qotu-ncn.blogspot.com/2010/09/how-to-break-ol-treehuggers-heart.html

To say I was horrified would be trivial. To say I was livid would come not even close. The electric company and I reached an agreement whereby they will NOT go through the wetlands again- ever. And they were to re-plant according to a certain set of guidelines set forth by the TX Parks and Wildlife biologist.

I made an initial list from the seed catalog, but hadn't ordered them since
a) we haven't had a drop of rain to help them sprout and
b) I was concerned that while the "wetland fringe" assortment is very nice, it doesn't include ferns, or arrowheads, or water lilies- the three mainstays of our particular wetland.

Those reasons, and the distraction of trying to get our house built, had me set aside the catalog for just this tiny bit of time- actually exactly one month today.

And here's what Mother Nature has been quietly accomplishing while I've been jumping up and down, throwing fits, having conniptions and generally driving my blood pressure up along with that of everyone within reach by person or telephone-



This is what was naked and rutted 4 weeks- 28 days ago. There are hundreds of little lacy ferns springing up in the scraped soil, and in between the first and second pole where it's obviously wet? We're dry right now. So dry everything is dusty with drought- if it were just the mud they'd rutted up it would be cement now- the springs are seeping.



Right there- where the ferns have come back? That's where the heavy equipment crashed down one bank and up the other, rooting up and rutting out as it went.

It's also where one of the springs empties into the creek, and even though it's still not visible yet, it's there- the ferns and the higher water in the creek are the proof. And the vines taking hold on the bank- yeah, poison ivy. Matters not- it's a vine and it's gonna hold the dirt from eroding.



Looking west out of our gate late this afternoon. Can you FEEL the peace and quiet? The strength of silence and birdsong and sunlight that whisper, "It's OK- Mom's right here and everything's going to be alright".

*Thanks, Mom*.

Free Markets, Dogs Eating Dogs, and Hell In a Handbasket

So we as a nation have finally crawled out of the status of 4th world country and taken the first step towards a national health care system- something that's taken for granted in every other industrialized nation in the world plus most of the 2nd and 3rd world nations. The concept that how much money you have in your bank account should not = the kind of (or even if you receive) health care.

Not "emergency life-saving procedures"- for the most part those ARE treated in any emergency room.

The basic care and maintenance of the human body sort of care and those things that are serious but won't necessarily kill you...today. Things like cancer, and heart disease, and un-managed diabetes.

Now back in the day, when health care was herbs and likker and common sense and leeches, health care was taken care of at home or by crazy old women living in the woods. Same as everywhere else in the world.

Then came science and technology, and for the most part these things were shared, even here in the US of A- land of the Free Market Economy (which, no matter what the men in expensive suits tell us, seems to cost the end user more than a regulated market, has anyone else noticed this?)

I'll use as a case in point, MD Anderson Cancer Hospital in Houston TX. It's huge. It's regularly rated one of the top TWO cancer hospitals in the world, not just the US. MD Anderson is a teaching hospital- it's part of the University of Texas- and as such, when it was first established, it was FREE to any Texas resident. Free. No charge. Our neighbor's dad was a patient there years and years ago and his lengthy treatment and hospital stays cost them NOTHING.

In nations with "socialized medicine" that's still the case. Everyone is covered, and all the really cool toys are available for everyone to use. But something happened here in the US, something that personally looked like this to our family-

Me- "Ward's graft is failing and he's not insured right now. He's had private insurance till a few months ago until it went so high we couldn't afford it, and he'll start Medicare in 4 months. He's been your patient for over 2 years so this is really continuing care of an existing and treated condition. Could we do a payment plan for the $3,000 scans we need to be sure his 'aggressive and problematic' cancer isn't back?"

Lady in MD Anderson business office- "Umm, sorry. No. Cash at time of service."

Me- "Are you freakin' kidding me? What part of 'current patient', 'always had insurance and are GUARANTEED to have it again' and 'aggressive and problematic cancer' are you not understanding?"

Lady in MD Anderson business office- "When did you say he'll get Medicare?"

Me- "November".

Lady in MD Anderson business office- "Well...he probably won't DIE before then, will he?"

Here's a really good, concise (albeit long) explanation of where we went all wonky-


http://eh.net/encyclopedia/article/thomasson.insurance.health.us

An excerpt from the above article-

"Although many European nations had adopted some form of compulsory, nationalized health insurance by 1920, proposals sponsored by the American Association for Labor Legislation (AALL) to enact compulsory health insurance in several states were never enacted".

So that puts the US roughly *90 years* behind most of Europe when it comes to caring for our citizens in a humane and equal manner.

I've already covered why putting our health in the hands of the Free Market is not a good idea here http://qotu-ncn.blogspot.com/2010/03/insurance-companies-are-not-bad-guys.html and here http://qotu-ncn.blogspot.com/2010/04/good-news-business-in-america-is.html.

I hate reading stuff that's nothing but link after link, and promise I'm done now, but also figured the article I first posted is so much better written than I could've done I'd be doing you a disservice not to post it and most of ya'll are already sick to death of listening to me grouse about the insurance companies so I'd just jog yer memories instead of going through the whole mess again.

Anyway, the upshot is that the health insurance industry is now very very powerful in the US today, much to the bewilderment of the entire rest of the planet and the detriment to our health.

Insurance companies are big business and quite easily buy all the politicians on both sides of the aisle they need to stay that way- with OUR premium payments- genius, hey? So while the health care reform was a "foot in the door" of real reform, somehow it tripped over the threshold and is sporting some pretty heinous compound fractures.

Instead of giving power back to the patient, insurance companies are now racking up their premiums to "cover those they are forced to take now". UNTRUE.

They are happily denying coverage to anyone they don't want to cover- like children unless a parent is also covered. According to my agent, there's not a company in America right now that will sell an individual policy for a child.

Pre-existings? No problem- the government says you cannot be denied, but it'll cost you, baby.

Speaking of baby- you thought it was difficult getting maternity/birth insurance before? (and it was- that flat blew me away when I got pregnant with my 3rd child 14 years after the 2nd and tried to get insurance for "the duration")

Effectively, despite all their whining to the contrary, the insurance companies are way MORE powerful than they were before.

So what the hell happened? And don't tell me "Obama happened- howz that changey hopey thing workin' for ya?", because I'm really not in the mood right now- if "the other side" had won we'd be in WAY worse shape in all ways than we are now, and deep in yer little conservative hearts you know it. Anyone who's tried to stop something in motion knows it takes twice as long to stop and reverse than to accelerate and go out of control.

What happened is this-

No Public Option.

We need a Public Option- a.k.a Medicare for All a.k.a. Evil Socialzed Medicine.

It works for other countries- and beautifully, no matter what the insurance company lackeys a.k.a. elected officials tell you.

"Yeah yeah yeah, blah blah blah you've told us all this a gabizillion before- tell us something new".

Nothing new- just something to think about. I mentioned in my last writing that what I'm hearing from the Republican commercials is creepily like what I heard from the other sides of abusive relationships.

And nowhere is it creepier than in what they're saying in their Pledge to America (that little love note that should be accompanied by flowers and maybe something sparkly to overcome our collective bruises from their 8 years of beating us "but never meaning to HURT us because they LOVE us") about repealing health care reform.

They want to REPEAL OBAMACARE, and they are saying they will wash it off, take out the bad chunks, and put EVERYTHING THEY VOTED AGAINST back into it and hand it to us- their beloved constituents- smelling of flowers and all sparkly.

Bullshit.

The current legislation needs fixed, but the people to do it are the ones who dropped the ball and morphed it away from what it should've been, not those who hated every bit of it in the first place.

IF we can get the current administration to grow a pair and actually DO what they set out to do FOR US- the people, we'll be ok.

And I think that's a way higher likelihood than giving the whole shebang back into the hands of those who not only voted NO for every line and word of it but had nothing to offer when asked for help with it- those are the ones who will take that shining start to being an actually civilized nation, smash it into little Repealed Shards and say

"Wow. Guess that can't be fixed- oh look- lets go fight another war to get your mind off of it- and I'm so very sorry but we'll have to lower minimum wage, privatize (read "destroy by giving it into the gaping maws of Wall Street) both Social Security and the VA to pay for it- you don't mind, do you?"

and laugh all the way to the bank. Again.