Ho Ho Hold Up a Minute...

"So...what happened between the two of you?"

People ask me that question quite often when they find out not only am I not a Christian, but I don't believe in any Supreme Being at all.

Because it hasn't always been this way. I was raised up Lutheran and taught Sunday School for years. I was a good practicing Christian who spent the few weeks between the birth of my first two born and their baptisms in mortal (if mostly veiled) terror that something would happen to them and they'd be sent to hell...because they would die unbaptized.

I'm over that now. Alec is completely free of any contact with holy water.

And that's it in a nutshell.

Over time I just got over the whole religion thing.

There wasn't a defining moment when I dramatically shook my fist at the heavens and denounced the god of my family. No pit of despair that I wallowed in and then determined that There Is No God. Just a slow progression towards...adulthood.

Think about all the terminology associated with the American Christian religion- God's children, Our Father, sheep who need a shepherd...all that stuff that doesn't allow us to grow up and take responsibility for our own lives and the direction they may take.

Of course, there's the whole 'free will' thing, which sort of negates the 'being a sheep' thing, but that's the beauty and mystery of the bible, right?

That's also part of it- the book was written by many different men over many generations and it's not cohesive. At all. But instead of saying, "We piecemealed this together- chew it up and it should taste like Faith", the more fundamental Christians are all about literalism. As in, "The bible is literally word for word the word of god". Which is ridiculous.

Because there's a huge difference between Faith and Blind Faith.

Blind Faith caused the holocaust and every other atrocity mankind has been clever enough to conjure up.

You say, "God works in mysterious ways" and I say, "Shit just happens. Life is a crap shoot".

I like things to be as stable as possible because life is by nature unstable and impossible.

So when Ward would be in the cancer hospital getting better and I heard, "AMEN! To God go the glory! God is so good!" and then sometimes minutes later Ward would be in grave danger of not ever leaving the hospital and I heard, "God works in mysterious ways..." I would not accept that. Because that attitude was demeaning and non-helpful.

If Ward got better it was because of his system and the treatments working together as they were supposed to, and if he got knocked on his ass again something went wonky in that physical actual combination and environment.

To think that there is a man in the sky with the equivilent of a voo doo doll and who randomly stabs needles into it for no damn good reason other than to watch the puny humans either lavish praise on him for allowing them to live or to cower in fear at his wrath is creepy and offensive.

So no. I'm not angry at god. To be angry at someone you have to actually believe they are there.

We were discussing Santa the other day and the wheres and whens of when our kids stopped believing in him.

None of my kids had a problem with it- they just saw holes in the whole concept and figured it out for themselves. The two older ones were going to school so had lots of other kids to bounce this stuff off of and never brought me into it. One day they believed, and the next? Adults.

And it's OK. We're all OK. Life is not horrible and pointless; it's beautiful and precious.

We do good not because there's some man in the sky (or at the North Pole) watching us and taking notes; we're good because it's the right thing to do.

Ward being here after all he's been through IS a miracle- a miracle of science and technology and the miracle of courage and tenacity and deep abiding human love.

God didn't do that stuff- it happened because everything worked out to make it happen. Good things and good people line up just right and good things happen. And they don't line up just right because god orchestrates it- they'd line up that way anyway. That's why sometimes good things happen to bad people.

Bad things trip you up when you least expect them not because you're taking the lord's name in vain or not attending church or not praying hard enough but because sometimes shit just happens.

Presents appear under the tree not because some old fat guy trespasses after stalking children all year but because their parents love them and make financial sacrifices to see the smiles on their little faces.

Seriously- which of those scenarios is what you want to believe in?

The bible is a book written by men to explain things they had no explanation for and to make sense of things that seemed random and senseless to them. They did the best they could with the knowledge they had. It was (and is) also a pretty handy way to elicit obedience from large quantities of people.

Like telling children who are all hyped up about Christmas on cookies and wish lists that they need to simmer down and behave because Santa is watching them.

Same concept.

So what happened between god and me?

Not a thing. I just grew up and stopped believing in him. Like Santa.

When I was 4 I believed in God and Santa.

When I was 14 I believed in God.

When I was 24 I believed in God and my kids believed in God and Santa.

When I was 34 I was questioning God as my kids questioned Santa.

By the time I was 44 both God and Santa were out of my life for good. Literally.

At 54 I'm still more than OK with that.

My apologies to both God and Santa if that hurts their feelers...

The Devil Made Me Do It

So the Pew Research Center did a little study on stuff people believe in and the results were absolutely mixed.

While it seems that there is an increase in people who have shed their traditional religions (whew), it's troubling to me that there is also an increase in people who believe that a person can literally be possessed by a demon. That the largest increase is among young people aged 18-25 is more than puzzling, it's bizarre.

I mean, what the hell? *Pun most definitely intended*

Demons.

Seriously?

Now, let me be the first to admit that I believe in many things, both seen and unseen.

I believe in the power of energy- to heal, to lift up, to strengthen, and yes even to harm.

Energy takes many forms- thoughts both positive and negative, spells and curses, prayer- all focused and directed energy.

I believe in lots of things not obvious to most of us mere mortals busily wallowing in our own unimportant dramas- from beings on a different plane than ours who look like ghosts or aliens or angels to other corporeal critters like bigfoot who choose not to be seen because life is easier when the fussy, crabby critters who call themselves human don't know you're there.

I don't believe in any one god.

I believe in spirit. Ours collectively and individually.

But demons?

No way, Jose.

Because in spite of energy and in spite of all the other things that share this existence with us, each of us is still our own person, with our own power of being and who inhabits our carbon-based shell is up to us, not some outsider looking for a soul-sofa to crash.

Some people call it Free Will.

I call it science.

If your own energy (call it a soul if you like) is taking up your body, it's full. Nothing else can come push it out.

Displacement, baby.

Here's what I don't get.

How can you believe in Free Will and still believe in demons?

How can there be a god who must be begged to pay attention to you (unless he's smiting you) but demons can prance in through your nostrils and into your brain?

Of course I believe in the existence of evil. But evil isn't its own person anymore than good is its own person. (And why don't people get possessed of angels? Hmmm?)

Those things come from within each and every one of us.

We cannot be forced to be evil any more than we can be forced to be good.

We may be coerced to ACT evil or good, but to actually BE those things? Only from our own selves.

So to the young people who are backing away from organized religion while still literally believing in the bogeyman...

...so close. You're so close to being grownups.

Question everything. Depend on each other, not on a book that pits people against each other.

We're all we've got. Really.

This life is all we've got- even if we believe in reincarnation, this life is all we have for now, and all we'll remember.

There's no power in the sky or from the pits of imaginary hell that can turn you into anything against your will.

Free Will.

Life is precious and we're only here for the blink of an eye.

Live it freely. Love each other. Help those who can't help you not out of visions of heaven or fear of hell but because it's the right thing to do.

Be not afraid of the dark, for it holds nothing but starlight and harbors nothing but restful slumber.

The monsters are all in our heads.

On a Wing and a Prayer

This is something I've wanted to write about for a while, but now is the perfect time.

Oh, sure- now is the perfect time because it's timely in that tomorrow my beloved Ward has (yet another) surgery and we're all scared spitless about it. *Spitless- it's oral surgery- get it?*

But that's not why it's the perfect time.

It's really the perfect time because I'm remembering that I wanted to write about it. Now, when I'm sitting down to write. See? Perfect.

So tomorrow Ward has surgery.

Not cancer- that's been gone for going on six years now.

Not a graft issue- this last (of three) grafts is holding perfect and strong, last week the cancer doctor verified that after the latest of his twice yearly scans. Said it was fully incorporated with the other tissue and no air pocket at all.

No, this is oral surgery to remove the roots of 6 teeth that have broken off- effects from the radiation he got almost seven years ago. The teeth are breaking off and his jaws are deteriorating. They have to get out the roots because they are both prime spots for infection and they hurt like hell. They started breaking off about a year ago- two at first, then started coming out more quickly and this surgery is a culmination of over five months of trying to coordinate doctors and tests and records and whatnot enough that my hair is a whole lot grayer and my frustration at having to second guess and think ahead for the medical professionals boggles me daily.

The point.

The point of this is that I used to accept the many promises we received of, "I'll pray for Ward" before any of our many surgery days with less than enthusiastic gratitude. I don't hate god. Truly I don't. You can't hate something you don't believe in.

So I thought things like, "Great. Prayer. That and $4.95 will buy me a small cup of coffee at Starbuck's." I assumed prayer was something people offered up when they didn't have the time or finances to offer up tangible usable things like cooking a meal for us or donating to the hotel/gas/living expenses while out of town fund.

Because most of the time we were extremely short on the concrete things of life and prayer seemed totally inadequate. There's no way I could offer up prayers to pay for our hotel, or put gas in the car, or get groceries with.

Prayer seemed to be "the thing you can offer when you don't really wanna do anything real".

But here's what I know for sure.

I believe in energy. Energy is a scientific, quantifiable substance. I believe in the direction of energy, and practice it myself- sometimes in bullheaded desperation but mostly (mostly) in a more orderly manner. I know it works. I've seen and felt it work.

And one day I realized that Prayer = Directed Energy.

Oh sure, there's a Middle Man in the form of the mythical Man Upstairs.

But what is 'prayer' other than thinking of a specific need and sending it in a focused way to its intended recipient?

See?

And I'm OK with it now.

I still don't believe in the mythical Man Upstairs.

However I believe with all my heart in the energies that = prayer, and our family will accept all energies, prayers, jujus, thoughts and whatever else you can send our way tomorrow.

Please address all the above to
Ward Dixon
MD Anderson Cancer Hospital
Houston TX

between the hours of 7:30am and 5pm, central time.

Because this is the first time he'll be under anesthesia since 2010 when he almost died from a routine operation that he'd had twice before and I gotta tell ya'll- I'm terrified.

The Pitter Pat of Little Drops

It rained last night.

Such a simple sentence. Four words, none of them remarkable.

But this is Texas circa Summer 2011. I stopped counting when we hit our 75th day of over 100 degrees and we haven't had more than .05 inch of rain since May.

We were already in our 4th year of drought and the extremely unheard-of heat plumb finished us off.

Rain has been forecast, promised, held in front of our noses- so many dew-covered carrots more times than I can count on one hand in the last 3 months, and each time the weather updates and the percentage likelihood drops, fades, withers away before our very eyes as though even the weather report is no match for the furnace blast breezes and unrelenting glare of Old Sol.

So I watched the forecast this time as though listening to the tired refrain of an abusive spouse. "THIS time will be different. I've changed. I promise, Baby", knowing full well it's most likely complete bullshit but dutifully nodding all the same.

We were supposed to get rain starting Thursday night and for the following six days. Each day dawned bright and sunny and each night the moon reflected back the sunlight that couldn't leave us alone for even a few hours.

Thursday. Friday. Saturday. Sunday.

Wait.

Last night the moon did not come out- the clouds did.

Breathlessly, hopefully, we looked up the radar and there it was- headed for us.

Rain.

Now even then there was no overt merriment- not long ago a large storm formation thundered down from the north and as we watched split neatly in two just to the north of us, then re-formed just to the south of us, drenching everyone within miles...except us.

So we went about our business, nonchalantly.

The clouds deepened. The temperature dropped. The radar glowed red covering the tiny speck that is us.

*plop*

One drop fell heavy to the earth as though thrown.

We held our breaths.

And the heavens opened, the giant pillow of clouds were torn end to end and water cascaded down, covering us in a slumber party's worth of beautiful feathery drops.

For over an hour it fell steady, fabulous and life-giving.

Today and for the next week or so it's sunny again, but not as hot and the dust has been knocked off of everything.

I breathed deeply of the cool morning air as I checked the creek. It's not running yet, but where the springs ooze up into it there are puddles- bigger puddles where the 3 within sight had been stalwartly refusing to dry up- ice cold on the feet of all who splashed in them- boy and dogs, and worth the trip down the bank for our 16 year old cat who crouches at their edge- a tiger in his mind's eye.

Yesterday all the foliage was dust red and today the colors are once again visible- different shades of green, but far too much yellow and brown where plants, shrubs, trees small and enormous have starved to death silently.

And I understand being grateful for the rain. I understand the relief it brings both physically and mentally.

And I can look to the sky and say "Thank you" sincerely.

But I don't get the whole 'Thanking God' thing.

I didn't get the whole 'praying for rain' thing either.

Apparently neither did God- for months and months.

Because if God brings the rain, that means he also withholds it.

That means all the dead cattle, birds, plants, trees, all the ruined farmers looking at no hay this winter and no pasture either, all the wildfires, all the decimated forests, all the torched homes and their accompanying now-homeless families, all the wounded firefighters, the young mother and her baby who died trapped in their flaming home...also the work of God.

When the whole idea behind religion is to provide order, and comfort, and a greater power who is just and righteous and someone/something to order our own lives and behaviors around...

I'll just go on believing it's merely Weather, thanks anyway.

"All Stand for the Pledge"

And we did- every single day at the beginning of school. Put our little hands over our hearts and faced the flag that hung in every room and recited the Pledge.

Even as a tiny child, I had a hunch the phrase "Under God" didn't quite fit- by using linear thought I couldn't help but wonder if we say "Under God" in the Pledge at school, why don't we say "In America as it is in Heaven" at church instead of "On Earth as it is in Heaven"?

Yep, complete Trouble from the very beginning.

And lo and behold, I was right. The original pledge as written in 1892 by Frances Bellamy- a man of God-

"I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

It's great. Short, to the point, very very powerful. So why the hell did they have to go and muck it up by adding 2 words about God?

Well, it was during the Commie Scare of the '50's, see? We needed to differentiate ourselves as much as possible from those Reds across the Pond- the Godless Reds.

So there ya go. Insert God into a Pledge to our (as specified in the 1st Amendment)Higher-power-neutral nation. And we're instantly weaker.

If I remember my history even half correctly, our Founding Fathers were trying to base a country on freedom from all sorts of oppression, and the stickiest wicket always seems to be religion.

Starting in 1865, "In God We Trust" was ALLOWED to be printed on coins, but not required. The same Commie scare prompted the requirement on all our money in 1956.

I like the idea of the "Disclaimer stamp"- I'd get one and use it if enough money actually passed through my hands to make a difference...



"Well, then, little Miss Separation of Church and State- howz about the 10 Commandments being posted in our government offices? They're carved in marble and everything so it MUST be legal".

Ummm...not really.

According to the Supreme Court (and alot of smaller courts as well)"the posting of isolated religious texts and symbols in any public buildings is unconstitutional".

Period. No comma, no asterisk, no parentheses. Period.

If an individual student or politician or any American citizen wants to carry the Ten Commandments with them, paint them on their own personal vehicle, shit- have them tattooed on their forehead- go for it.

Pray in school or at work- bow your head and utter a quiet respectful heart-felt prayer of thanks or forgiveness or plea for help with the test you didn't study for.

Our country's in trouble, folks. We need to rally ourselves and not fight against each other- rally around what our Founding Fathers REALLY wanted for their brand new country, and not all the bullshit that's come since and still being spewed as (pun intended) Gospel Truth.

Every religion and faith and spiritual teaching- shoot, the basis of every civilized society has at its base the Golden Rule- "Do unto others"- empathy, respect, knowledge, balance.

Because letters like the one below? make my eyes bleed, my brain hurt and my heart sink.



Take us Home, Bill-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8Q1fDf0GeY

It's Not Just Cinco de Mayo This Year

So May 5th is the National Day of Prayer.

I'm OK with that. If people want to pray to the god of their choice in the place of worship of their choice I say "Go for it- say 'hi' to God for me".

Here's what I'm NOT OK with.

I'm not OK with it being mandatory that everyone from me to the President acknowledge the day by, yanno- praying a prayer of Christan faith.

By its very definition, a National Day of Prayer is wildly UN-constitutional. I don't think I could find a more obvious NON-separation of church and state if...well, hell- I can't even THINK of a more obvious NON-separation of church and state.

But if you MUST have a National Day of Prayer, at the very least it should be inclusive, meaning TRULY a day to worship the god of your choice and belief.

In other words- no whining about Muslims praying that day- no assumptions that they are asking Allah to smite the Christians and Death to America, even though the Christian god is clearly getting plenty of requests to smite the Muslims and Death to Islam.

I'm attaching a video- I don't know if it's going to be aired to the general public, or just to the Christian public, but either way it's sorta crazy scary.

And at least to me, very offensive.

Like, all you need to do is pray. To the Christan God. And the black storm clouds will spare you.

So all those people in every natural disaster who died did so because they didn't pray hard enough, often enough or the right way?

Bullshit.

I guess I'm a little twitchier today about this stuff than I was say...a year ago. When Ward was so sick- in intensive care and the doctors couldn't tell me when he'd wake up or IF he'd wake up, I had one friend say something to me that absolutely froze my heart.

I know she didn't mean it judgmentally. I know she loves me. I know she said it out of her very deep and real faith and I could hear the kindness and concern in her voice and I know knowing ME how hard it was for her to voice the words. I love this friend.

It was something like "Maybe Ward's being so sick is God's way of telling you it's time for you to get right with Him- turn back to Him."

My immediate (and still to this day) reaction, said sincerely and from my heart and without venom was "If your God is the type of god who would make MY family suffer to punish ME, I want nothing to do with him".

(Actually, according to the bible- the God of Abraham IS the type of god who makes good people named Job suffer to win a bet with Satan).

Anyway, this video rubs me all kinds of wrong so I was compelled to share it with ya'll. I've not tried to embed a video before- my guess is you'll have to go to the bottom of the page and turn down the playlist music first. Sorry 'bout that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sl7TBjRI9LE&feature=player_embedded

It Ain't As Easy As It Looks From the Pulpit

Since the Republicans who rode the "We hear you, America and will make jobs for the jobless our top priority" bandwagon back into office have decided that the best way to make jobs is to repeal healthcare, outlaw abortions and make damn sure Those Gays never get to marry, I have a few things I'd like to say on the subject of Planned Parenthood, since it seems that's front and foremost on the chopping block of moral vengeance.

Here's the thing.

Planned Parenthood does not = Abortions R Us.

I know, I know- that's not what FOX News says.

But I've been a patient at Planned Parenthood- from the ages of 15-20 and 35-45 during times I had no insurance to cover reproductive health. Fifteen years of Planned Parenthood and not ONCE was I offered an abortion. Not ONCE did the personnel say "Honey, here's a year's worth of pills- if they don't work you just come on back in and we'll fix you up good as new".

Because that's not mainly what they do.

Here's what happens at Planned Parenthood.

You call for an appointment. Just like the doctor.

The office is clean and professional. Just like the doctor.

They take your vitals, do a complete physical exam, pap smear, bloodwork and urinalysis. Just like the doctor.

They ask if you have any questions, concerns, need any counseling for anything or problems. Just like the doctor.

You're asked about your income and they use a sliding scale to figure out what you'll pay for your visit- my total cost for the above services plus a year's worth of birth control pills was about $50. Which is decidedly NOT like the doctor.

If there hadn't been Planned Parenthood available to me, I would not have received ANY routine health care during a large portion of my adult years, and a great many women use it as exactly that- the only health care they can afford. And until we here in the US of A have a single payer option for universal health care, that's not going to change

but that's a whole nuther kettle of worms.

My POINT is that to attack and de-fund Planned Parenthood does not simply mean an attack and de-funding on abortion. It means yanking the only available affordable SAFE care a lot of women have away from them.

Women like me.

I hate to muddy up the whole Right vs. Wrong Black vs. White waters, but here's what I want you to think about for just a minute.

Say you're a 15 year old girl. You go to church every Sunday and your parents raised you strictly but lovingly.

Although you are taught that compassion, forgiveness and love are the basis of your religion and family, you see the actions of your church differently- anyone not toeing the line of morality is not looked upon kindly and frankly not welcome anymore. And your parents agree with that. Because those who don't follow the Word of God when they know otherwise are willful sinners and should not be associated with.

You and your boyfriend get a little carried away, because yanno, you're HUMAN and all. He didn't have a condom and you weren't prepared because if you were so armed, you'd be PLANNING on sinning.

You miss your period. Then another one. Your body tells you things you don't want to hear.

You're scared stiff and when you're alone you spend a lot of time crying and throwing up.

Things your parents have said about other girls "who got into trouble" play over and over in your head- they were sinners, they're going to hell, how could they be so Godless and selfish? How could they bring such SHAME into their family?

You clearly can NOT go to your parents.

Things you've heard thundering out of the pulpit play over and over in your head- the wages of Sin are Death, only the Pure will enter the Kingdom of God, giving into the Pleasures of the Flesh is Evil.

You clearly can NOT go to your pastor.

Every vestige of a support system is unavailable to you when you most need it. You simply cannot endure the anger and disappointment that will show in your parents' eyes, the disapproval and judgment in the eyes of your pastor and the rest of the congregation.

You go to Planned Parenthood and tearfully tell them that no- you cannot have this baby- no one would understand. And you mourn that baby for your entire life.

The End.

What purpose does closing Planned Parenthood serve, what purpose the acres of little white crosses and picketing and harrassing patients and caregivers?

When what NEEDS to be changed is our society- until ALL women have options and support, until they KNOW they have options and support, until young girls grow up seeing those around them literally practicing what they preach and not saying one thing and doing another- not advocating love and submission to God's will and then judging others without knowing their hearts. These are the changes that need to be made, not closing clinics or vilifying women who are very very aware of what they are doing and whose hearts are breaking just fine without your help thank you very much.

The girl in the story- are you angry at her? At the clinic?

Then you don't get it.

And may your God have more mercy on your soul than you have for others.

Shit Just Happens

Something I've heard my entire life when an event defies explanation, when it won't fit neatly into how life generally works or what they taught in Sunday School, all that other stuff fell into the "Shit Just Happens" category.

The problem has always been, with me anyway, that I don't really believe it.

I believe in rules of sensible progression. I believe in the rising of the sun every day and the rising of the moon at night. That dogs have puppies and chickens hatch out chicklets. That eating healthy makes you healthy and eating crap robs your body of nutrition and vitality. Natural order. Cause and effect.

In a world ruled by Mother Nature, things go along pretty much that way with mutations and accidents that can be racked up as "unusual events and occurrences that go counter to the normal order of events"- literal Freaks of Nature- no one's fault, things to be worked around, or over, or through, but nothing that ruffles the overall outcome of the Universe as We Know It, or our role in the same.

Here's where it gets weird.

Sunday School teaches differently. On Sunday mornings we dressed in our best clothes, had a hasty breakfast of sweet-rolls-in-a-tube frosted with orange-in-color-and-flavor frosting (which was actually a treat, hence my remembrance of it), and made our way to church, where we learned that while we have free will, there are consequences for each and everything we do- not only for us, but for all those around us, specifically those we love.

Because God is Watching.

And like Santa, He's keeping track of not only everyTHING we do, but everyTHOUGHT we think. And He rewards and/or punishes us accordingly. Holy Moly, Batman.

Years ago I had an acquaintance in the world of raising and showing purebred Shetland Sheepdogs (those little Lassie-dogs). She was very devout and said she prayed over which champion dog to send her bitches to for breeding. Even back then, when I was an active Sunday School teacher, Vacation Bible School organizer and Christmas Pageant reception leader, I thought "Wow. Now I know why there are children starving to death in Africa- God's looking through the latest Sheltie Reviews". Because I figured God had better things to do and he gave us the Big Brains so we could take care of the small stuff.

I guess the Idea of God is there to make sense of the stuff we can't fit into Natural Order, and while that's great, it's also very dangerous both in a big way, and in little ways.

When Hurricane Katrina washed away most of New Orleans, there were many people who found comfort once they could say (with a mixture of relief and vengeance) "This was God's punishment on this city of Sin and Evil- Mardi Gras every year, VooDoo down in the bayous, and God's final straw was the planned convention of Homosexuals".

When an earthquake flattened most of Haiti, the same voices came forward with "proof" of Haiti's century-old pact with Satan- this was simply Satan's time to cash in.

Wars the world over are fought and won (or lost) according to whose god is more righteous- fighting for God is an easier pill to swallow for mothers hugging sons goodbye than fighting for oil, or dirt, or anything that's not worth the loss of a Soul.

On a tiny individual scale, God Keeping Score takes Cause and Effect to a whole different level.

Good things happen to Godly* people. Bad things happen to evil people.

*You can't say good things happen to good people, because unless they believe in your god, they're not REALLY good and will, unfortunately be in Hell with all the bad people. Shit Happens.

When the above goes wrong (and it goes wrong ALOT), it can be explained by "Only God knows a person's soul and intent- we must believe that the good person has lessons to learn that pain/suffering/maybe even dying will bring them, and the evil people will meet a bad end, although it may be in the afterlife".

Just what the hell am I getting at with all this rambling?

I'm tired. I'm tired of always feeling like anything good that happens to me and my family will be immediately followed by a bad thing of equal or greater value and I'm very angry, at over half a century old, of having that "anything good that happens comes from God and anything bad that happens is your own flawed humanly doing" mentality so instilled into me that I'm seriously, admittedly superstitiously, mortally afraid of anything good that happens to us-

I live in fear of the Other Shoe.

I just finished a book the other day- still thinking on if I'm going to recommend the entire book- it wasn't a book I entirely enjoyed or thought very well done, but THIS part was outstanding.

The main character had been through many attempts at getting pregnant, up to and including all the invasive painful fertility treatments, her marriage on the rocks, her psyche a mess, her self-worth shattered, and she was at the therapist's office.

The therapist told her "You have every right to be angry. You have every right to sadness". And the main character totally lost it. She screamed at the therapist "I don't WANT the right to be angry and sad- I want the right to be HAPPY".

I almost dropped the book.

I want that.

I want to be able to have something good happen to my family and not have to smile while swallowing the bile of the palpable, clawing fear that it's all a big cosmic set-up.

I want to believe, absolutely and completely, that Life goes along in pretty much a natural order- that the sun comes up and the moon comes up, that dogs have puppies and chickens hatch chicklets, that most of it is good- that good things happen because Life is good, and that all of that will occur no matter what my tiny small self does or thinks.

That doesn't make me feel helpless or powerless or unprotected in a big world full of dangerous things that can't be explained or any of that other stuff Sunday School tried in its (sorta twisted way it looks to me now) to protect me from.

Because frankly, I AM tiny. I AM just one tiny speck on the planet- and caring for my family the best I know how is enough. I don't WANT the responsibility of the quality of our existence hinging on whether or not I believe the right thing or pray the right prayers or give up the right sacrifices to make good things happen.

I want the security of knowing that when bad things happen they ARE Freaks of Nature that can be worked around, or over or through, and then on to the next good thing.

That Life is Good- not a series of Good Things bought and paid for by Bad Things.

Shit Just Happens, but I and my family have the Right to be Happy.

Amen.

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

When I was a child, I was taken by my mother to Sunday School and church. Every single Sunday. I grew up in the church and believed what I was taught- even turning into a Sunday School teacher myself for a while.

I believed in the Bible. I believed that God was personal, and real, and cared about me and my family as individuals- like Santa Claus he kept an eye on us all and took notes on our progress, our lives, our daily travails.

As I grew older, though, things didn't add up anymore. I had questions.

The questions were readily answered by Those Who Knew Better Than Me, and I believed the answers. Until I had a minute to think about them. Then they generally didn't make a damn bit of sense. Sometimes even less sense than the questions themselves.

Q: Why do newborn babies die? They haven't done anything wrong. Do they just get a minute on earth then an eternity in heaven?
A: It's all a part of God's Plan. Even so short, their lives touch those around them and teach those left behind important lessons.

Q:What about all those people who never get to hear about the story of Jesus? Do they still go to Hell even though it's not their fault they don't know?
A: Yes. Unfortunately they go to Hell. That's why it's so important that we send missionaries everywhere as soon as we can.

Q: Diseases like cancer- alot of those people are good people who never did anything wrong- why should they suffer like they do?
A: No one is without sin. Life is full of opportunities to make ourselves right with the Lord.

Q: So, if Forgiveness and Redemption are given to anyone who truly regrets sinning and accepts Jesus as Savior- any old mass murderer can go to Heaven?
A: Yes. If a person truly accepts the Word- Heaven is theirs.

Q: If God can do anything, why does he let babies die, good people get cancer, and people kill other people in the first place?
A: Free Will- we must endure what comes and go to God of our own free will.

We watch South Park. Yes, it's a cartoon filled with profanity-spewing little children and Kenny always dies at the end of every show by some horrible means.

The writers also generally nail every social issue square on the head- from Gay Rights, to people with disabilities, to Saving the Rainforest, to the meltdown of our Financial Institutions, to any and all religions.

In one show, the parents of Stan are standing at his hospital bedside- comforting him while he endures the physical and emotional insult of having a bleeding hemorrhoid. He asks why alot of very bad people seem to do ok, nay fabulously in life, while people like himself- a pretty good little boy- suffer.

They tell him the story of Job. Sort of a dare-fest between God and Satan. And Job loses. Loses his health, his home, his family. But he never loses faith in God, who is pleased because He doesn't have to pay up to Satan. Stan rightly observes

"That's the worst story I've ever heard".

And decides then and there that there is no God.

I've just witnessed my husband endure trials that make what Job went through look like a day at the circus. For over a month- every time he started to get well BANG- slapped back down by the Fickle Finger of Fate. Over and over and over again.

And much as I love our friends who love us and pray for us and who say "God is so Good- to God go the glory" every time Ward's made progress, I beg to differ.

I know, and am sorry, that they had nothing but prayers of encouragement when he got smacked down by one major surgery, then a week of medically-induced delirium, then another major surgery, then heart failure, then pneumonia- weeks of never-ending issues that were obviously NOT the Glory of God At Work. There were almost palpable pauses of disbelief on their parts- as they grasped for something good to say, some comfort they could offer up to me from God as I watched my husband slip away violently time after time.

I believe there is a Higher Power. I believe there are consequences for how we act in this life and that how we live now will affect our next live(s).

But I believe that Ward is still here- very weak but still kickin', partly because of the medical staff at the hospital, partly because his wife sat at his bedside and told him he was NOT allowed to die and he's as frightened of me as all the hospital staff learned to be, but mainly he's here because he has tremendous will, and phenomenal courage.

Yes. God, or Mother Goddess (which I prefer) or the Higher Power may have gifted his soul with those attributes, but HE used them- HE fought back with more strength than anyone thought he had.

Mother Goddess gave his soul the gifts- he struggled damn hard to use them- to stay longer with me, and his son-

To Ward goes the glory- the admiration and the love.

He is more my hero now than he was before- something I told him the other day in the hospital- still fuzzy and trying to reconcile the loss of over a month of time from his consciousness and the loss of all his strength and muscle and about 30 pounds from his body, depressed and frustrated with them both- and our son looked at us and said "Wow. That's saying ALOT".

Because he has always been, and is even moreso now- My Knight In Shining Armor.