Jack Frost, Bless His Heart

Every year we get a bit o' the winter down here and every year those still up north give us a ton of shit about it.

"You call that snow?"

"You call that cold?"

"I can't believe they closed the schools for that!"

"What a bunch of idiots!"

Well, even though I'm a Texan by citizenship, I was born and lived in Wisconsin for my first 34 years. Yes- December 1st I crossed the 20 year mark as a Texan, but I still remember. Oh, hell yes- I still remember.

I remember cold that hurts the minute you open the door- freezes your nose hairs together and makes your eyeballs throb.

I remember snotcicles.

I remember snow so high it's a solid wall of white when you open your door to leave the house and you just calmly close the door and go out the other side of the house.

I remember hauling hay on a sled and never going out to the barn without a sledgehammer to break gates loose and ice off the water tanks...even though there are tank heaters...and they're working just fine.

I remember bringing the hose inside after every use.

I remember having a spare set of car keys and leaving the car running while I was at work, just to be sure it wouldn't be dead from the cold when I was ready to drive home.

I remember driving home at midnight and staying on the road by driving right in the middle of the telephone poles on either side.

I remember being snow blind in a blizzard.

Here's what those still up north don't understand.

Down here there are no snow plows- the snowy streets become packed snow rinks and the icy streets stay icy...until it melts on its own.

Down here the houses, animals, people are not built to withstand intense prolonged cold. Everything is built to withstand intense prolonged heat. Remember when we laugh at ya'll when your thermometer inches towards the century mark in the summer and ya'll are wilting and melting? Pussies.

Down here the road surfaces are actually different than up yonder. The first winter I was here, the first icy day I got in my big ol' Caddy (front wheel drive and totally kickass up north in the winter) and headed for work. The first stop light I gently applied the brakes well in advance of the intersection and...slid straight on through it. Damnedest thing ever.

Here's what I love about winter cold snaps that may or may not include ice, snow and other trappings of actual winter-

It lasts a few days and then goes away.

I can live with that.

And call us idiots all day long- Ya'll are the ones still living where this shit sticks around for months on end.

Idiots.

A Quick Update...

...on all fronts.

There is a beautiful metal/plastic post at our gate and it says it's a marker for the cable that runs the phone/internet. Once this stupid 20 degree, sleeting weather is out of the way they should be running it into the house and from there to my computer, and then...I'll be back on the interwebs, to infinity and BEYOND!!!

*ahem*

We still are not entirely out of the old house, thanks to the weather, and our goats, horse and poultry are not moved yet because of same.

I'm done with winter, it can go away now.

ReyaRamona has learned quickly- how to play with Fizzgig, what sounds mean dinner (or breakfast or lunch- she's still so thin she gets 3 squares daily instead of the 2 everyone else enjoys) is impending, how to jump onto and off of the sofa, and where the best spot between Ward and me is on the bed at night. A little over a week with us and we've got her entirely ruined. Awesome.

I suspect from her behavior that she came from a puppy mill type breeder- she (was) most comfortable in a cage, and is still very leery of being picked up and/or held- she holds herself very stiff and doesn't cuddle in. Gimme another week- she'll be over that, too.

She's really more schnauzer in looks than poodle, and the one time she let out with a bark (visitors to the house- getting possessive much?) it was definitely of the schnauzer variety, heaven help us.

Today in the cold (dropping from high 30's at daybreak to a current barely- 20 and falling) and wind driven sleet, ReyaRamona ceased walking on leash like a princess- she did her business and hauled curly fluffy ass back into the house at the end of the leash, on hind legs, as fast as her little toes could carry her. I could hear her thoughts "I spent my time in this mess- get me the hell in the warm house, my sofa is waiting".

Right behind you, little buddy.

I Did Not Move Far Enough South

I say that every year.

Well, every year since 1994, which is the year I moved from Wisconsin to Texas.

I'd been born in Wisconsin, and I hated every single wonderful white winter moment of it. Even as a child- sledding? No thanks. Ice skating? Ummm...only if I can sit in the warming house and drink cocoa. Skiing? You must be joking. Ice FISHING? (one eyebrow raised glare of complete disdain and dis-belief).

That as an adult in Wisconsin I also owned and ran a small family farm only made it worse. When the water tank heater managed to merely keep an inch of open water on the tank surface, the wheelbarrow had to be replaced with a sled to haul feed on, and I needed to carry a sledge hammer to knock the gate free with eyeballs aching from the frigid air and my nostrils shredded with every breath through the snotcicles, THAT decided me that I needed to move South.

Routinely finding tiny dead sparrows under the pine trees on picture-perfect magic ice castle mornings only sealed the deal.

I moved South in December, and marveled at the mild breeze wafting across the lake- the completely UNfrozen lake.

The area of Texas I moved to is the pretty part of Texas- trees, water, hills, flowers- an area that looks for all the world like the pine forests of central Wisconsin where I spent my summers. Only the cactus plants nestled up under the pine trees gives our actual location away.

So winters are mild, springs are a fantabulous riot of wildflowers, summers are...kind of toasty, and autumn is a wonderment of fall colors that can be enjoyed in bare feet.

And then it happens.

The first day each year the mercury drops below freezing, my body and mind go into survival mode and actually physically recoil from the assault of the icy blast. And I say it

"I did not move far enough south".

But here's the thing.

Any farther straight south and we'd be at the mercy of hurricanes- by the time they get up here they're mere shells, empty blusters of rain and wind with perhaps a little tornado thrown in for tantrum effect, but mostly spent.

Southeast is muggy (and east of the Mighty Miss- somewhere I no longer wish to be), and Southwest is...freakin' dessert.

So I'll look at the internet real estate listings in exotic places like Costa Rica, and Ecuador, and Hawaii, mug of cocoa in front of me, wrapped in a blanket, fuzzy slippers firmly on my socked feet.

But here is Home. And Family. And Friends.

And while in Wisconsin, once the mercury dips below freezing, it's a full 6 months before you need to dust off any numbers higher than "32" on your thermometer, here in Texas right now it's a chilly 37 and it won't be warm and 70 again till...

...tomorrow.

*Here is Better*