Of Puppies and Babies and Snuggles in Bed

"You want to put him all the way BACK THERE? How can you even THINK that?" my husband said accusingly.

We had just had our child- a darling bouncing boy of 8 pounds 4 ounces. He was born right...there. On our bed. With 2 midwives in attendance, just hours previously.

Now, we'd planned where the nursery would be- in the room behind the kitchen that was my older son's room when they visited. We'd borrowed a crib from Ward's brother and set it up with all new brightly colored safari animal sheets and whatnot. Where the baby was going to be sleeping was not a surprise.

Until the baby was born.

I've always been a proponent of the Family Bed- keeping babies close when sleeping. My first husband was not so much, and for the most part, Americans in general are not in favor of 'that sort of falderal'.

So my two older kids had their own rooms and cribs, because
a) I hadn't grown old and confident enough yet to say, "Shut up. The babies are coming to bed with us and if you don't like it, lemme show you to the sofa".
b) Their rooms were literally 3 steps away from ours.

I never let them cry themselves to sleep and spent hours rocking them and patting little rear ends till they dozed off.

Because our old Victorian Texas house was bigger and more rambling than our postage stamp ranch up north, the new baby would be...12 steps away.

And Ward was OK with that. This was going to be his first child, and he was pushing 50 years old. I was 40, and this was my 3rd.

I figured if anyone would need some 'space' from the new alien in our lives, it would be Ward.

Until the baby was born.

"You want to put him all the way BACK THERE? How can you even THINK that?"

and the baby moved into our bed.

The theory goes that you cannot sleep with the baby because tending to the baby's every whimper will cause him to be clingy and you must encourage independence.

Really. We're talking about a person who is unable to walk or talk, and hasn't figured out how to use their opposable thumbs or car keys. Also toothless. Just how damn independent do you want this larval human to be?

The theory goes that co-sleeping is dangerous and you could crush that tiny child...maybe that's what happens to some of the SIDS babies...

Actually, co-sleeping babies have a lower rate of SIDS deaths- something about being as close as possible to their former environs and hearing/feeling breathing and heartbeats and the ever constant shifting of mom's body reminds the little person to breathe and shift on their own.

Also- unless you go to bed stone drunk, you're not going to crush your child. Most people who have small pets sleep with their pets on the bed (doesn't matter if you admit it or not, you do). Now, raise your hand if you fit that category- sleeping with small pets.

Good. Now keep them in the air if you've ever crushed one to death.

That's what I thought.

The theory is that if you sleep with your child(ren) in bed with you, you'll never have sex again.

Stop it- you're a parent now- you're never having sex again anyway.

Just kidding. But you already know you need to be more...creative and opportunistic than pre-parenthood.

Remember high school? (Hope my mom doesn't read this...)

The theory is that if the kids are sleeping in your bed at age three, they'll still be there at age thirty-three.

Our boy graduated from our bed to a cot in our room at about eight. That was about two years longer than I'd figured on, but to be fair, right after his sixth birthday, the doctors started slicing, dicing and re-arranging his dad, so I cut some slack.

At ten he was in his own room.

The two people who gave me the most shit about "he'll be in your bed forever" themselves were in their parent's bed till they were 12 and 14, respectively. So they can just kiss my ass. My 'clingy spoiled baby' beat them both.

Here's the thing.

In most cultures, the Family Bed is not the exception- it's the norm. Every culture knows that babies who are secure in knowing that their parents are right...HERE will be more confident and independent. What the hell do we teach our babies when we let them 'cry it out' or threaten them with punishment for LEAVING THEIR BEDS when they're scared?

How is "You need to learn that mommy and daddy will be back for you...when we're damn good and ready" in any form reassuring?

I've worked around animals my whole life. Worked for veterinarians for over half my life.

If someone were to call me and say, "My dog is fixin' to have puppies and here's my plan- I'm going to just put them with the mother dog to eat a few times a day and let her clean them up- otherwise they'll be in a box in the other room...because she needs her sleep and the pups need to learn independence" I'd call the law on them for animal neglect and/or cruelty.

Because they're BABIES for cripes sake and babies need to be pretty much attached to their mom.

Get it?

My kids are all confident, capable, brilliant human beings...mostly in spite of me instead of because of me.

But I like to think whatever form of 'attachment parenting' I practiced did some good.

Now, don't even get me started about the barbaric practice of circumcision...

Confessions of the Lesser Parent

My husband is a wonderful father.

Right from the git-go, the second I went into labor and calmly informed him "You are to take my hand and not let go...till it's over" and the man seriously did not so much as pee till 12 hours later when Alec made his entrance into the world.

Oh, there was that one time that he dropped the baby on his head, but not very far, and it WAS onto the carpeted floor.

But other than that, Ward's clearly the better parent.

Take a few nights ago.

Alec is sick- sore throat, fever, headache...and it broke night before last. Poor boy woke up twice in tears, which I know because Ward joggled me and asked "Is that Alec?"

The first time I surfaced to consciousness long enough to listen to the low, mournful, repetitive noise coming from the direction of my son's room. "No- I think that's coyotes" I mumbled, sinking back into slumber. Some time later (not much later, maybe a few minutes) I came fully awake since my nice warm husband wasn't next to me anymore.

I stumbled into the next room where he was already ministering to our son- feeling his head, calming him down, telling him it was going to be OK.

And while part of me searched for something that *I*, as The Mother, should be doing, the other part thought "Cool. It's all under control and I can go back to bed now- my side of the bed is probably still warm".

See?

And that's just one example. I got a million of 'em.

Seriously.

When Natural Parenting Is Anything But

So I've skipped a few days, but I've had good reason.

My family and I attended an Un-schooling conference this past weekend. We were pumped, ready, excited to go and be with people like us, who home school in a sort of nontraditional manner- instead of "having school at home" where there is a designated school area in our home and our son sits there for 6 or 7 hours 5 days a week, we un-school. Looser, more laid back, much more eclectic and flexible which works for our crazy schedules we still use a curriculum as reference to be sure we don't forget important stuff like fractions...and grammar...and all that other stuff I forgot as soon as the test was over.

And there WERE people like us there- people who travel and explore museums and parks and do extra-curricular activities with their kids like music lessons and tae kwon do lessons and other worthwhile endeavors that are so much more attainable and enjoyable when you're not confined to the public school year and whose children are all reasonably polite, and clean, and respectful, and poised. The children were confident and moved throughout the resort with an aura of calm mastery of the world around them. They needed no supervision, and didn't need to be within their parents' sight at all times. They were the ones holding doors open for folks, watching younger siblings, attending sessions.

And then there were...The Others.

The Others are the children of the parents who believe the best thing they can do for their offspring is to abandon them. Which is weird because they are the parents who read books like Attachment Parenting and The Family Bed- books that tell you your kids can't get ENOUGH of being close to their parents.

I believe those books. I believe in home birth (and Alec was born right here- 3 feet from where I'm sitting- with 2 midwives, Ward and a collie named Slippers in attendance) and the Family Bed and not letting your baby cry itself to sleep. I believe all that.

Here's where The Others' parents and I apparently part ways.

The Others' parents believe that children are born- right out of the box- knowing what they need and it's their job as parents to Release Them Into The Universe to find it. Their children are not fettered by things like bedtimes, or baths, or anyone forcing them to eat healthy foods, or teaching them manners, how to read, what 2 + 2 equals. All that knowledge is theirs for the finding as they need it.

What that looks like in Real Life is packs of feral unwashed illiterate rude urchins over-running a very nice resort- scuffling in the dining room, dropping stuff off of balconies,dancing on the pool tables- all things we personally witnessed. IF they attended sessions, they just sort of drifted in and out. A great number of them could be found in the darkened Violent Video Game room (actual title from the literature- NOT my own assessment of it), which was open 24/7 with no time or age limit. No shit.

If the goal of these parents is to raise children Freely and Naturally, I'm for it.

BUT

They need to work with the entire Nature scenario, not just pick and choose.

In Nature- animals have their young at home- not a hospital. Home birth- I'm there.

In Nature- animals keep their young close to them day and night, sleeping in the same nest. Family Bed- I'm there.

*Asterisked to insert that if you are a reptile or insect In Nature- you do, in fact, throw your children at the universe and abandon them, but generally that's why they have many, many young (or eggs) at a time instead of just ONE and up to this point, The Others' parents have acted in a very birdlike or mammalian way, what with that Attachment Parenting stuff so I'd assume they'd keep it up as follows...

In Nature- animals TEACH their young how to eat, how to act, how to care for their physical selves, how to be a part of the family group. Children need to LEARN how to act, eat, bathe, play together- they DON'T automatically know that stuff. Children need to know that they're not the center of the universe- that while yes, they are each as special as Christmas and unique as snowflakes, so is every other child and that needs to be respected. They need to understand that their bodies need certain foods to stay healthy and a certain amount of sleep to be well and they need to know you love them enough to MAKE them take the steps to be good citizens, healthy people, good friends.

In Nature- animals know where their young are at all times because the world is a dangerous place if you're small, and helpless, and don't understand that THERE'S A FREAKIN' INTERSTATE HIGHWAY RIGHT NEXT TO THE RESORT. Children aren't stupid. They are fully aware that they are smaller than adults, they don't have car keys, checkbooks or other things to facilitate being Fully in Control of their destiny. They need to know, NEED TO KNOW that the adults closest to them ARE there- they know where they are and are available to help them and keep them safe from the world, from each other, from themselves.

In Nature- if a little cubbie steps out of line and acts ugly towards another cubbie, momma corrects it- fitting the severity of the reprimand to the severity of the crime, but they DO get corrected. Allowing a child to be rude and run wild not only makes for a very disagreeable person to be around, but makes it damn near impossible for the rest of us to appreciate that child's innate "awesomeness". I sat in a session run by a young man who was a product of this type of upbringing. His hands and feet were filthy and his hair matted (trust me- it wasn't dredlocks) and every time someone said something not right in line with his thoughts and ideas you could visibly see him sull up (a great term I learned after moving to the South) and pout. This guy was well into his 20's and it wasn't a good look for him.

In Nature- if an offspring becomes too much trouble, you eat it.

Just kidding. I'd never eat one of The Others. No telling what sort of germies are attached to 'em. I'd be askeerd to even use 'em in the compost pile.

*Seriously*

Because I'm the Child and I Said So

Not me personally- I haven't been a child for many years. But I have children, and I'm still perfectly capable of behaving in a childish manner.

Since I'm not proud of the latter, but very proud of the former, lets talk about the former.

Yesterday we had a well-child visit at the doctor. At my son's request. He was concerned that his tetanus vaccination needed updating, so I called the doctor's office and they said "No- not for another 2 years, but you ARE due for a chicken pox booster". So off to the doctor we went, and my son sat stock still while receiving his shot- he's been blessedly healthy and couldn't remember his last shot (probably about 4 years ago).

And I started thinking about raising children, specifically the difference between how I'm raising this one compared to his brother and sister, both much older than he is.

With the first 2, I did things when the "experts" told me to. And some things need to be that way- vaccinations, exams if there are really concerns or problems, things that will affect their health or well-being.

I'm not sure if that had anything to do with it, or if it's just a difference in personalities, but I remember my older son at about Alec's age at the doctor, needing a booster shot, and I had to literally sit on him to get it done. Luckily I'm a trained veterinary technician, so I know how to hold fractious, possibly dangerous critters. The give-away for the nurse was that I was also scratching him behind the ear to deflect his attention away from the syringe...

And my daughter is deathly afraid of needles. She'll be 30 next year.

Back when Alec was about 4, we went to the dentist. A pediatric dentist since I remembered being scared poopless by imposing, stern, crabby Dr. Newell. The hygienists took the x-rays and cleaned his teeth without incident. All they had left to do was the fluoride treatment and we'd be done. I sat and read my book. Suddenly there was a commotion and when I looked up, the chair was empty and my son was across the room, perched like a spider monkey on a different chair- hissing at the hygienists.

Apparently, they'd hovered over him and started sticking the little "mouth bumpers" in between his teeth and the sides of his mouth without telling him what they were doing and it felt like he was choking and/or suffocating. So he bolted.

They told me they couldn't work with him and we could either wrap him in a blanket and sit on him or drug him for the rest of the procedure. Not sedation, more of a paralyzing drug. So he'd still be afraid, he just couldn't get away. I declined both (awful) options, collected my little spider monkey and walked out.

After that, Ward's illness(es) took front and center of our time and getting Alec to the dentist was not high on our priority list. He brushes regularly and his teeth look fine. A few months ago, Alec said he wanted to go to the dentist.

So we made the appointment and last week he walked into the dentist's office and sat perfectly for the hygienist (different office- this one explained everything beautifully before she did it). He's got good teeth and no cavities.

The difference,other than age, was readiness.

I think too often we don't trust ourselves or our children when it comes to the Proper Way to Go About Growing Up.

I didn't stress about any of them regarding potty training. I figured when they were ready, they'd do it. And they did. My daughter coveted a package of Strawberry Shortcake underpants at about age 2 1/2 and I told her those were for big girls who don't wear diapers. She grabbed the package and never looked back.

My older boy could literally leave wet footprints through the house without concern even at age 3 until...I was director at Girl Scout Day Camp and he wanted to go with his sister and me but couldn't unless...and that was that.

I don't think there was a specific event surrounding Alec's coming of bathroom age, he just worked into it- at his own pace.

The older 2 went to public schools, and we're homeschooling Alec.

My daughter tested into the Gifted and Talented program and has been a driven soul ever since- her basic personality true enough, but at his nursery school, my older son was referred for Speech Therapy- he was "fronting and backing"- leaving off the beginning AND ends of words. WE could understand him, and he was barely 4 years old. If we'd just let him alone, I suspect he would've turned out just fine. I can't think of a single adult who leaves the beginnings and ends off of words.

Alec was slow to talk, and slow to walk- the result of many chronic ear infections that damaged his hearing and tilted his equilibrium till he had those little ear tubes put in. We did not bring him to therapy for either "problem" and even though he wasn't talking or walking at age 2, now try to keep him quiet or still.

Ditto for reading. Luckily, our curriculum stressed that children will learn stuff when they are ready, and even though they SENT reading books starting in 1st grade, if our child didn't seem interested in reading, we were to read TO him until he was. At age 6 Alec was not reading.

At age 7 he was reading adult books. Skipped right over the Dr. Suess stage and into Dragonology. For his 10th birthday he requested Stephen Hawkings Brief History of the Universe.

We trust animals to raise their offspring and the offspring to have certain innate survival instincts. Yet humans "overthink" the whole process.

My first two were crib babies. I'd put them down in their cribs to sleep. If they woke up crying (or went down crying) I'd stand there and rub their backs, or take them out to rock them till they settled down. I was just "wrong" enough to not "let 'em cry it out". By the time Alec came along I was alot older and more tired in general. He slept with us.

We were warned that he'd still be sleeping with us at age 16, but he left on his own and moved into his own bed by the time he was 8. I figure all the stress and worry of his dad's illness(es) postponed his leaving a good 3 years, but the main thing is he's fine. And in his own room.

And here's what I say to the Family Bed Opponents- "I work for a veterinary clinic. If someone called me and said their dog was fixin' to have puppies and they were planning on taking the puppies away from their mom and making them stay in a box in another room- letting them with the momma dog to clean and feed, but then putting them back in the box away from her, I'd call animal control and report them for abuse".

"But your baby needs to learn to be independent and to go to sleep by himself" they said. Apparently they didn't stop to think that my baby (any baby)
-can't walk
-can't talk
-can't open the refrigerator
-can't dial 9-1-1
just how independent do they want that infant to be???

So I'm proud of my older 2 who have become fine adults and who hopefully learned to think alittle outside of the Normal Box because of their ol' hippiechick mom and her sometimes non-conformist ideas, and I'm proud of my youngest boy, proud of the person he's growing up to be on his own schedule, under his own power, using his own instincts of what he needs to know and when.

And I hope I've done even a fair job of not training these people I grew inside of me to fit carelessly into society, of allowing and encouraging them to question anything that seems sketchy no matter what Expert it comes from, and to become the people THEY want to be, and not what anyone else expects of them.

The Blue Light Special Holds No Power Over This One...

I have a confession.

I'm a terrible failure as the parent of a future consumer.

This began when we decided to home school our son, for even though our reasons were varied and included the blocks of time we need to be out of town for medical visits to Houston, the large teacher to student ratio in our local school, mostly we're doing it because so much of what we feel is important to learn and experience can't be found cooped up in a classroom, but must be gotten for real and for true- be it Nature or Theater or Museums or Wonders of the World- the stuff of road trips.

So he missed out on peer pressure and brand indoctrination.

And even though he's as wishful as the next kid when it comes to gadgets, games and other treasures, he's got a different way of looking at things- something I'll gladly take both the credit and the fall for.

The other day in the car he asked me "Mom? Am I spoiled?"

I told him yes. And no.

Yes, because he is what amounts to an only child, even though he's got 2 half siblings they don't really 'count', being so much older than he is- grown and gone already. Whatever time, money and energy we have is devoted to him and him alone.

No, because by and large, he doesn't take advantage of that position.

I asked him if someone had accused him of spoilage, and he said "No- I was just thinking about getting the PS3 for Christmas- I know it was pretty expensive..."

Whereupon I reminded him he did not recieve the PS3 LAST year when it was new (and $400), but this year when it was NOT new (and $250). That alot of the hype and furor over a new gizmo is being the first on the block to get one.

This child of 10 then cast forth the following opinion-
"Well, once something is out for a while, the only distinction the person who got one first has is that they paid alot more for theirs".

Sorry, Shopping Frenzy God- you do not have this boy's soul.

Then we were talking about houses- specifically the new house we are planning on building, and that instead of a bigger house, we are planning on trading down- smaller house, fewer rooms, less of everything. Not because we have to because of budget (although our budget IS thin), but because we WANT to.

He told me about a friend's mothers house he was in while we were in Houston- he said they have a gigantic house for just 2 people- the friend's mother and his sister who lives with her.

In addition to the clearly lavish digs, there are apparently very large-screen tv's and a furniture wonderment of sofa that seats 8 and includes cup holders, foot rests, the literal 9 yards.

Then the common sensible spirit in the boy stuffed the budding consumer parts back into the shadows and said "But there are only 2 people who live there, and one of those is in a wheelchair- what in the world do they need a sofa that seats EIGHT for?"

I'm afraid "Trading Up" and "Bigger is Better" are also concepts that are lost on this one.

I'll admit that this is a boy who does not raise his hand to ask to go to the rest room, who is easily bored with mindless repitition, and who has a very hard time rising before 10am and sleeping before midnight.

But he's also a boy who holds the elevator door open for people without being asked to, who remembered all my favorite dishes when he and a friend went to the chinese restaurant to pick up food while I was sick, and who cares for and about even the littlest critter on our farm.

So while I'm horrified (evil grin) that our boy is not gaining the important skills needed to function in a consumer-driven society,

I'm heartened and proud as can be that he's growing into a wonderful man, and a most excellent human- just like his daddy.