He Started It

I'm normally a fan of mantids.

I mean, they eat their weight in other bugs every day and I've seen one hold four cats at bay just using chutzpah. I admit, I was initially horrified to realize that they can fly, but in general...a fan.

So, when I came on one in the guinea pig barn this morning, I was a little startled (because he blended right in with the grid-pattern of the cages) but overall I thought, "Cool."

I gently guided him out of my way as I did chores in the room; watering, cleaning cages, feeding...during the cleaning phase, there was a moment when he was perched facing me, waving his tiny-but-fierce little mantis arms at me and I (still gently) swept him off of the board he was on and out of pouncing distance. He reappeared at the top of a cage while I was feeding.

I carefully worked around him and then turned to the other side of the room. I was halfway down the line when I felt something hit the side of my head and before that could register, it started BITING ME. I smacked the side of my head and the little asshole mantis dropped down to my arm STILL BITING. I shook him off my arm and proceeded posthaste to the house to summon Gomez to offer him as a sacrifice  have him valiantly save me from the evil little aggressive bastard.

Of course, when we got back to the barn, the bug had moved. Gomez said, "Guess it's gone" and I said, "No. You stay here. It's watching us. I can feel it." A few minutes later, I spied the insect-demon and told Gomez, "Get it out of here."

The barn is not well-lit and Gomez has just the one eye which messes with depth perception, so he missed it and it flew down to the floor. I said, "Just step on it!" and he tried, but they are fast little shits, so it skittered away.

Gomez (thinking no doubt of his cup of coffee waiting for him on his desk) said briskly, "Well? You feel safe now?"

NO. NO, I DO NOT. YOU JUST PISSED IT OFF EVEN MORE AND IT'S SOMEWHERE NEAR THE FEED BAGS WHERE I WILL BE STICKING MY HANDS SO YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, MISTER.

The mantis did not re-appear and I finished feeding in peace.

Tonight, we didn't see it at first. Gomez posited that the pigs ate it. Yes. My herbivore pigs ate one of the most carnivorous creatures ever to come down the evolutionary pike. We spotted it at last, and again it evaded capture.

Tomorrow morning, Gomez will be with me when I go feed. If he wants coffee, it'll be on the other side of an executed/evicted mantis.

Because that's what husbands are for.