How to Choose a Nominee

Now that the field has thinned and the gigantic turd has floated to the top, lets review exactly what has happened thus far in the quest for this year's presidential nominee of the NEW and IMPROVED Republican Party .

Before we begin, keep in mind the most important issue in this campaign.

What? Jobs? Health care? The decline of our infrastructure including slashing spending for public education? The financial meltdown of Wall St. and subsequent raping and pillaging of our system? Abortion? GAY PEOPLE MARRYING??

No, silly.

According to Mitch McConnell, "The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president."

And it's not just Mitch- every single potential nominee has repeated it in ways that are couched in disappointment as in-"the FAILED Obama presidency" to being outright (and purposely) alarming as in-"the most dangerous president we've ever had".

So, in the context of what's REALLY important in this country, lets begin.

DON'T- be a completely off the wall batshit crazy religious woman.

(Yes. Horrifying, ain't it? I thought about making it smaller, but then you sorta lose the whole effect. You're welcome.)

DO- be a completely off the wall batshit crazy religious man.



DON'T have extramarital sex that makes your voters twitchy or uncomfortable- also known as "preying on white women".


DO have extramarital sex as long as it's within your race and you apologize to God- also known as "preying on white women" (it's a subtle but important difference- if you can't see it, you're obviously not an American)



DON'T be a Morman who believes in science, global warming and bipartisanship. Subtract 100 extra points if you encourage religious diversity in your own family.


DO be a Morman who believes in Wall St., corporate personhood and vowing to repeal everything the current administration has done so far. Add 100,000 points for strapping your family pet to the top of the car.


...and finally

DON'T be a career politician from Texas who loses no sleep over killing people because "That's the ultimate justice in Texas".


DO be a career politician from Texas who loses no sleep over letting people die without healthcare because "That's what freedom is all about".


This concludes our summary of "How to pick a GOP Nominee" and remember kids-

It ain't about this-


or this-


or this-


or at the end of the day, even this-


At the end of the GOP day- they want a candidate who may not make a lick of sense, who offers nothing of help to our country, our children, our senior citizens, veterans and anyone else who isn't rich enough to buy them outright. At the end of the nomination process, all that matters to them is making damn sure they eliminate the most dangerous threat ever to come on the American scene...ever. The thing that will destroy our nation and plunge us into the fiery furnace of hell or worse-



Yep. That's a clear and present danger if I've ever seen one.